A chronicle of how I've viewed you over the past year
A chronicle of how I viewed you over the past year
meet - she seems different somehow
have a few conversations - wow! such a cool person! I want to get to know her
a few more - this is the most amazing girl I've ever met. s***, what's wrong with me. this is not okay. I have no desire to have s** with her, but if I keep talking to her or try to hang out she'll think that's what I'm trying to do and so will everybody else. f***.
a few months go by, shame and confusion simmer
insert long, dumb letter
"let's just be friends" - okay, that's what you think. challenge: set
I dunno, some other s***
gradually care less, move on
months later: gradual drug use for a week, then mountains. terrible mixture.
insert months of ruining my life, slowly getting more in touch with reality (which takes longer because of all the online s***). I'm not even going to try to put into words my constantly changing perception of you during this period.
and then the last 2-3 months: well, everybody thinks I'm crazy, and I am crazy, but I would estimate that about 60-70% of the people that I talked to were actually you. and yes, at this point you have much more power over me than you deserve and you know most of my s***. since attraction for girls is largely based on power, that probably means you don't really like me anymore. considering this, I'm pretty sure the only reason you still talk to me is out of habit and/or because if I am successful later on, you'd like to be with me. even though I think this in the back of my mind, I'm sort of okay with it. I continue to think of you as someone I'd like to grow old with and someone that sees more potential in me than most others do, although honestly you've seen enough of me to think of me as little more than an obsessive loser.
and lately, this:
a projection of what I imagine the future will look like:
I go to job corps and get a degree at a community college as an LPN. I also make music on my computer while I'm up there. maybe that gets popular but probably not. I get back while you're a senior.
at this point, you probably don't give a s*** about me at all anymore. you've moved on and done well in school, gotten a great sat score and had plenty of extracurricular activity. this is the same situation I had been in. however, since you are wiser than me, instead of f****** up your life you've done what I should have done: you've applied to colleges. you get some great scholarships, and have your pick of in-state and out-of-state schools.
I stay in-state while I work on the lpn-to-rn ladder and get a job at a local hospital while staying with some friends.
if you're in-state, maybe we're near each other. MAYBE we have contact.
if you're out-of-state, we don't have contact and you keep doing whatever you're doing and living a good life.
I move somewhere else as an RN and start working my way through another two years of school towards a bachelor's degree in some kind of engineering. this is either near you or not, depending on what's going on at this point.
then we both graduate, and if by some slim chance we're together, we go on that magical trip that was my childhood dream, then live happily ever after.
but in all honesty, we probably just go our separate ways.
and I don't know what I'm looking for in response to this. I guess I want some sort of reassurance or something. I pretty much just wrote all this out to get my own thoughts in order.
thought I may as well share them.
it would be a shame if this was all for nothing, though.
the worst part is that I know I'll never feel as strong about someone else.
I know I'm not like most people and neither are you.
but maybe that doesn't mean anything.
at least if this goes nowhere, when I do eventually find someone else I won't be so head-over-heels. I'll just kind of... pretend to care about them.