He Ruined It

Growing up with a horrible father who was more like a demon who gave me h*** of a childhood had caused me to be fearful of men, and the reason why I cannot trust a man without thinking they have an ulterior motive.

Not that anyone have ever shown interest in me but I feel as if he ruined it for me.

Not all men are like my father, but he certainly ruined it for me.
Will I be happy in a childhood?

I dunno, I have never expressed my interest in a man - nor has any man expressed their interest in me.

All of my 22 years of life, I had dreamed of a perfect romance like so many other girls have managed to experience.

I have lost so much of my life.

All because of him. I am also afraid if there's someone who indeed shown their interest towards me, they're gonna be the type where they think I am emotionally vulnerable and 'needing love' to function.

I am not, I can differentiate between love and neediness but when it's manifested will I be strong enough to let go? I think, I believe I will.

But sometimes I think I putting on standard too high. I mean, really, who am I?

I am just a broken girl with terrible childhood and feels like I am asking for much. But don't I also deserve the best? My being broken apart, don't I also deserving? I am lost.

Sometimes I think I am better off single as I don't wish to impose my sadness on others. And yet, I wish to have a family of my own - give my children the childhood I never had. [I wish to adopt, and not have my own as they're MANY children who comes from background similar to mine.]

What is wrong with me? Do I deserve someone who would treat me right? Everyone deserves a healthy individual, I am not - at least up there.

Do I deserve?

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  • I to had a father at the age of 12 he rapped me and nearly beat me to death all because mom wouldn't put out for him any longer so he took it out on me. He spent three years in jail and when he got out moved right back in with mom who I thought wouldn't allow him back in her home. Three days back in the home he and a friend raped me again and again beat me but this time I got the police involved for I spent 7 weeks in the hospital because of him when I got out of the hospital mom disowned me and I went to live with my grandparents till I was old enough to go out on my own. I got pregnant by one of them and I had an abortion and that's when mom disowned me, she said I should have at least had the child and gave it away if I didn't want it. I didn't want it in me at all. To let you know dad got 25 years because of the fact he raped me for the second time and in the short time he did after getting out of jail the first time.
    I am 25 now still find it really hard even to go out on a date with a guy let along to let a guy get close enough to me for s**.
    Only my little brother comforts me when I really get down and he lives with me now He's becoming a doctor and has one more year to go before his internship. He's going to be 23 next month and yes he sleeps with me even snuggles with me on the couch or in bed but we've never had s**. I don't know if I will to be honest with you if I ever could have s** with anyone

  • Are you in therapy? A good counselor can help you build healthier approaches to life, to men, and to relationships in general. It is worth the effort, I promise.

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