Afraid of intimacy
I was a depressed and vaguely suicidal male of 16 years when I started dating her. She was from another school and depressed her self as she said.
She was a little strange kind of dark and far from perfect but when your contemplating suicide any kind of attention from the opposite was welcome distraction and when I was near her life seemed less nihilistic. In retrospect I guess I was confusing this lack of nihilism for love. She likewise seemed to crave male attention as she didn't have a father of her own so we seemed to emotionally crave each others company.
Rather quickly we were calling each other boyfriend and girlfriend and naively declaring our love for each other. With in a week we were making out and rolling around at her home.
If only our relationship remained nice and innocent. They say you never forget your first time. Its supposed to be special. I wish I could forget. Like every one else our intimate act started out sweet and magical like every one else probably remembers. But then she starts crying on me. Not because I'm hurting her though. She proceeds to unload all of her history on me. Why she's so depressed. Why she has no father. Her timing is perfect. In the middle of intercourse she's crying and unloads on me how her father repeatedly raped her as a child and why he's now in prison. I wouldn't have known cause all the rapes where a*** as she described in the front she was still up until now a virgin.
She asks me to finish on her even though she's crying. When I hesitate she kinda of implies I'm not a man so I keep going. Our relationship goes downhill after that.
Outside of the bed she treats me nice and I feel loved or what or what I think being loved feels like. But during intimacy she makes me act out what her father did to her. She trains me on how to do rough a*** on her. She trains me to keep going when she's crying, she taunts me and calls me weak when I try to stop. She calls this her therapy. Now that I'm older I'm guessing she was doing this to learn how to defeat her fear and anxiety of her rapes.
I do everything she asks of me as I'm convinced I would have committed suicide if I had not met her, believing she some how she rescued me and I owe her this much.
When ever she's mad at me she quickly throws it in my face that I'm a rapist and for what ever reason via her manipulation I believe her. Over time she makes me feel like a monster but I guess that her intention as I've basically become her fathers replacement, her therapeutic punching bag since her father is in the slammer.
I'm guessing she either got board with me or felt she was cured as she promptly dumped me after the summer when the school year starts. I hear from friends at the other school that in the course of 4 months she's gone through 7 differen't guys so I figure she's cured of her problems. (I wonder if she mistreated them too?)
I on the other hand find it difficult to be intimate with women now. When I am intimate with other women I mistakenly interpret their facial expressions for pain and not the bliss they are rationally experiencing. I find it hard to thrust into her as it feels like an act of violence, and I feel like a monster. Being intimate with women scares me and I try to avoid it as long as possible. If our relationship has developed ok enough the woman is usually understanding. Other times women will be insulted and of course I just can't explain to her why she scares me off. They are often puzzled why I tend not to move passed the cuddling stage. And this has led to plenty of homosexual accusations during my college years.
I always crave the emotional contact with the opposite s** but as I get older its becoming easier to avoid women altogether. Sadly it feels like I'm in need of some therapy of my own now.