Not part of the natural selection

I confess I think I may be dying. I have a lot of serious health issues I've been allowing to go ignored. I also haven't been eating (or even really sleeping for that matter). My will to live is completely gone.

A letter to my soon to be ex husband I am trying to get the courage to send:

I'm sorry I ruined your life and didn't give you enough attention so you had to go cheat to get attention and then I blamed you for cheating for attention and I'm sorry I drove you to abuse me and Brennan and then blamed you for it and got the injunction. I know everything was my fault and I hope that you can someday forgive me for it, but I know that we will never be friends or partners again, and I know that I will never be happy and no one will ever love me or want me and I will never be worth anything... and I've accepted that and I'm not going to fight any more. So you can have everything. Everything in the apartment, my bank accounts, my EBT & TANF accounts, my SSDI checks, the whole nine yards. You will need it because I'm leaving to go find somewhere suitable to make some changes to my life and I will not be able to take Brennan with me. Basically, I have given up and from now on will simply give everything away so no one can complain, so everything you want is yours, take it. I don't deserve anything anyways. I know I was not lucky enough to be "naturally selected" like you and Brennan and I have filled all the purpose I'm ever going to fill or could ever hope to fill.

I just feel dead and empty inside. It is even hard to think, as if I have become some brain dead zombie. People support him no matter what, no matter what... I was told by his best friend tonight that she accepts him for his issues (which include pedophilia) and doesn't expect him to change at all, and called me childish for expecting him to work on them and said that I needed to bond with him for the sake of our son, as if I haven't already been trying to do that already but he's been using it as an excuse to take complete control and boss me around. It's just that this world... it's a world where everyone else always matters so much more than me. Where everyone has rights except for me. And I'm not being melodramatic here. This is my life, and it does not matter how hard I try, it's never good enough to make anyone love me much less care about me. There's just no point to living any more of this nightmare. And don't say live for your son, because my son wants to live with his dad and tells me every day he wants to kill me. See, even my four year old wishes I was dead....

Feb 17, 2013

Related Posts

No Comments Yet

Account Login
Is this post inapropriate?
Reason for reporting this post
Report this comment
Reason for reporting this comment
Delete this post?