I think I'm in love with my friend

This is kind of long so bear with me, but I really need advice :(

I am a young gay male, I've known a friend of mine for almost two years now, and I've had feelings for him for over a year. We work together, that's how we met. At first I didn't like him, he just wasn't really my type, but all of my friends kind of predicted that I'd end up having feelings for him and I always said no way, that's never going to happen... and one day months later I woke up and lo and behold, I realized that I did have feelings for him, I was in denial.

I spent months wondering if he was into guys or not and finally one day he came out to me and at that time we were really close, he trusted me, I trusted him, we were best friends. The problem then went from wondering if he was into guys, to now wondering if he had feelings for me the way I did for him. Eventually I confessed, but he avoided the subject, I was so devastated I planned on avoiding talking about it again, but I never really got the answers I wanted. I confronted him again to at least get some kind of answer/closure and he finally said I only see you as a friend.

One thing he told me was he didn't like my attitude on life, I was really insecure at the time. I felt like that had a lot to do with why he didn't like me back. Fast forward to now... I'm no longer that person, I'm confident, secure, and happy and its a year later and I still have feelings for him. I asked him again how he felt about me and i told him I still had feelings, and he said he'd rather keep me as a friend than lose me as something more. I thought it was a bunch of bull. There were times he avoided me, was annoyed by me, we argued, stopped talking for a bit, then started talking again and became close again and everything was great. We go through so many ups and downs. At times he would lie to me to protect my feelings, he'd say stuff like I'd never have s** with a guy (he was in denial about being gay) but then ended up having multiple male s** partners as the months went by. It really got to me that he'd lie to me that way, I hated it, lately though he's been really honest.

We had a talk a couple of days ago and he told me that back then he just wanted s** with people and wanted to experiment (but I was still too insecure to give into that) and he got to do all of that, got it out of his system and now he says he wants more than s** with someone and he's sick of it. He is now somewhat "involved" with a guy, at first it was just s** but he says he kind of wanted something more, which confused me because he said he never wanted a relationship with anybody (I felt like he just didn't want one with me so he lied and told me that). But now he says he doesn't want this guy anymore because he doesn't see it going anywhere, but then again he says he's afraid of being in a relationship because he doesn't want to get hurt again. I kind of encouraged him to fight for the guy if he really cares, because you can't be afraid to fall in love, you have to try, but secretly I wish he would just try to be in a relationship with me, or at least just talk and see where it goes . I mean a couple of weeks ago at a party I got drunk and basically threw myself at him and he turned me down, but later he admitted to a friend of mine that he does like me, but that he'd never do anything with me because it would lead to something serious and he wasn't ready for that. Secretly I didn't want to throw myself at him but I figured to be with him sexually is better than not having him at all, which I know is wrong but I care about him so much.

One minute he says he's not ready, one minute he says he does want a relationship, the next minute he says he's afraid to be hurt, but then he also tells my friend that he does like me. Am I wasting my time? What should I do? I want to fight for him, I want to convince him that I'd never hurt him, and that we should try to see what happens. I love him so much, I'm not in love, but I do love him dearly and I know he cares about me too but he's afraid of me, he's afraid of where it can go. How can I convince him that love is worth a try? How can I break through to him? How can I convince him to stop talking to the other guy? (who, by the way, has a boyfriend) I've lost all hope, this guy is so emotionally lost, I just wish I could save him. If only he could open his mind up to a chance at being with me. He puts himself in situations that will eventually hurt him, but he won't give me a chance, it's frustrating. I need advice!

Lost Hope

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  • Thank you both! Definitely going to use your advice, thank you so much.

    To the first poster, I actually tried the jealousy thing a couple of months ago (it wasn't purposely though) and it actually did work for a bit, but I wasn't with the guy long enough for it to work completely. He was actually really jealous about it and always asked me a billion questions about what we were doing, where we were going and if we slept in the same bed and when I refused to tell our business it bothered him that I didn't want to tell him. Maybe that'll work this time, but I don't think I should go down that road again. and yes, he is young, we are both young, we are over 18 by a few years though, so I don't get why he hasn't matured yet.

    I definitely agree that I should find someone else, which I plan on doing. I mean I won't lie, I love him dearly, but it doesn't mean my life stops, I still look for other guys, it's just human nature. Even when I had feelings for him I was dating the other guy. I guess I'll just have to move on, one thing I'm afraid of though is what if I move on and fall in love with someone else and then he's finally ready to be with me? It's all so confusing, ugh :/

  • I agree with the person below. As much as you love your friend, it seems that it is all it will ever be, friendship. Its time to just let him go and find someone better suited for yourself, someone that appreciates you for the caring person that you are, as for the s** thing, i would advise that you dont sleep with him because your feelings wil grow for him more and in the end you will just get heart broken. Honestly, just let him go and find yourself a boyfriend. If it is meant to be then it will happen. Dont force it.

  • Deep down you know what you have to do. You just have to move on from your friend. You have been honest with your feelings and he's clearly not ready, and may never be. Being his friend is not wasting your time. But holding a torch for him is preventing you from meeting someone. You can offer your friend advice about his boyfriend, but in the end he's going to do what he wants. Sometimes you just have to give people space and let them figure things out for themselves. Let him know, if he wants to talk you are there for him. Love is blind, and s** confuses everything. It just sounds like he's young. He'll eventually grow out of it. For now, your friend knows how you feel and what you want. It's his loss if he doesn't see it. So turn the attention to you and concentrate on you and finding yourself a boyfriend who likes you in return and without all these games. One idea to make your friend like you would be to make him jealous. Find a guy to start dating and when the attention you shine on your friend is removed, he may be more interested. But play this card carefully. It's not a guarantee and you don't want to get hurt or hurt someone else. Remember, you want this relationship to last and not be some game or one night stand.

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