I have made so many stupid decisions in my life that I'm can't relate to anyone around my age...
I'm 15 and already I've done so many things that are terrible. I've had to deal with a lot, and I don't mean stupid things like boyfriend drama.
I was taken advantage of at a party by a guy who I didn't know. He technically raped me. I was stoned and had drank for the first time in my life. Because of the fact that he took my virginity, I wanted to try and get to know him.
I didn't want to be some girl he screwed. I hate the thought. I hate everything about it all.
I dated him for two months and the entire time he was emotionally abusive. He would give me ultimatums, degrade me, insult me, cheat on me, etc. I stopped talking to him because I wasn't going to be in that situation anymore.
He refused to wear condoms everytime he made me have s** with him. Sometimes it was my decision to do it, but he wouldn't do what I asked. I feel so f****** stupid for letting that happen.
I've snorted something before. I was going to try tripping on acid, and a friend told me she had some. After snorting it like a dumbass, we both realized it was just some sort of pills. Nothing happened but the fact that I went that low disgusts me.
I pop pills a lot. I like xanax. It just makes me relax, and sleep, and not have to deal with things. I take them too much, I developed a slight tolerance and it scares me so bad.
I've tried adderal, tramadol, xanax, I've drank cough syrup to try and trip on the DXM in it and I was really f***** up for 24 hours, but I didn't trip. I smoke weed a lot (not now, but I used to way too much. now it's less then once every week or so)I've smoked synthetic marijuana, I've gotten pretty drunk, I've hung out with older guys who I didn't know (nothing ever happened)...
I regret everything. The a****** who took my virginity is the only guy I've ever done anything besides make out with.
My mom is emotionally abusive and I hate her. I can never tell her when she's making me feel like s*** because she freaks out. She's blamed everything wrong in the past few years on me. She's done so much and I can't begin to describe it. She insults me all of the time, she has extreme double standards, and she's always accusing me of things. I don't even try to make her happy anymore because no matter what I do, it's wrong. I do what she wants and its not enough. I clean up the living room, nope I missed something. I fold laundry, no it's all awful what the f*** am I doing that for. I try not to get in her way, and she asks me why I'm not doing anything, why I'm not helping, why I'm so depressed. When I get hurt by what she says, she calls me over dramatic. She storms off and starts banging s*** around. She tells me that I've hurt her more than anyone could ever hurt their parents, just because of the fact that I called her crazy to my sister. I've never told her she's a b****, I've never said I hated her, and yet she acts like I'm the biggest spoiled b**** on the planet.
Spoiled isn't what I am. We go to the store, and I'll say,"Oh, look at that nutella, damn I want it." And she'll grab it. When I tell her we don't need it and I'm just being annoying and complaining, she gets p***** and tells me it's fine. Then we get to the house and she yells at me for forcing her to buy me everything I want. I don't try to get her to buy me things, we're broke. We barely can pay our rent every month and we can't afford cable. We can't afford laundry money every week. She gets me things that I barely want and then yells at me for it.
That's not spoiled. Spoiled would be if I got everything with no repercussions every time. Instead I get belittled for nothing.
My dad wants me to move to a different state with him but I can't make myself do it. I know for a fact that I'd be so much better off. He's an amazing guy, and so nice. He's a good influence, and makes me do the things I need to do. He acts like a parent, instead of like a hormonal 13 year old like my mom. I can't leave my school, or my "friends". It's all I know...it's too hard. I'm going to be 16 in two months and I feel like I'm past 25.
Maybe I make awful decisions and sound like a terrible and extremely immature girl. But that's not all that I am.
I try my best to make everyone happy. I try so hard to make sure everyone is okay and that every thing is going smoothly for people. I babysit friends when theyre too high or drunk. I never judge people because with all I've done, that'd be stupid. I'm nice to people to the best of my ability. I treat others well. I'm not rude, or catty. I try to fix other peoples problems. I do what people need a friend to do even if I barely know them.
My past and my current issues make me feel like the biggest piece of scum I know, but inside I know I'm better. I know I'm kind and genuine.
I just don't know where to go from here. I don't know what to do with myself. I dont know.