Mental Illness Is Hard To Live With

Due to being abused physically and psychologically as well as bullied as a child, I experienced mild brain damage which caused me to develop mental illness.

The worst by-product by far is the tendency to think evil thoughts and/or carry out evil actions. I fantasize about torturing and killing people who have done wrong to me. I would never actually harm someone that way, but I fantasize about it nevertheless and I enjoy these visualizations tremendously at times. Usually when I am seized by these moods, I might just say something rude, not that doing so is acceptable behaviour.

Later, if I remember a disturbing idea or fantasy, I am disturbed that I would actually derive enjoyment from such notions, and thus I suffer.

Being mentally ill is very stressful at times. Many people are afraid of us, but it is we who suffer the most.

I live a Dr. Jekyll & Mr. Hyde-existence. I have experienced a great deal of shame and humiliation because of some of the bizarre and offensive things I have said and done both online and in real life while experiencing symptoms of my illness.

I know it's not my fault, but it's still a cause for feelings of embarrassment that I experience far too often. I have lost friends and hurt other people I loved because of it. Other effects are cognitive deficits and delusional thinking. I get confused or forgetful and it aggravates people who think that I am either being indolent or they assume I'm stupid-a major source of interpersonal stress in the workplace.

I also have not accomplished anything of note in my life and live just above the poverty line.

I have very limited experience with women because of my dysfunctional behaviour.

I have had a hard time adapting to the hardships and responsibilities of adulthood. I feel like the character Tom Hanks played in "Big": a boy trapped in a man's body.

I'll never have any inner peace until I know I can trust myself not to act weird or crazy, but I don't expect that to happen any time soon. If only I could socialize without being paralyzed by a fear of saying or doing something wrong or weird. I don't want to hurt anybody, nor do I want to make anybody uncomfortable.

I'm just a man with faulty wiring: sometimes it misfires or get crossed.

4 Comments

  • newest
  • oldest
  • most replies
  • most popular
  • The problem is when you think about killing you think it's harmless but what your doing is your setting up a seed in your mind .
    Then one day you are going to get really mad at someone and your going to snap and kill something .

    I know what I am talking about because I though of killing and one day I snapped and killed my dog !

    It felt like am out of body experience like it was not me but it was me .

    so what I am saying is try to control your fantasy because it may become reality .

  • Some people look for excuses to fail or commit horrible acts , some people step over this and find a way to be successful , much is up to you . Do not live in fantasy live in real time . There are many jobs, but many people do not want to work or sweat or learn a skill , they only want something easy with big money or big benefits, so many are nearly worthless . I am a jobs activist here in Houston , last 12 months we had 97,700 new jobs , I have helped get hundreds great jobs . Many programs only require a one year certificate or a 2 year associates degree to make 150,000 per year , yet it is extremely hard to get people due to the maturity level is at an all time low . I refuse to talk with someone whom is disrespectful and makes excuses , if the are respectful and look to accomplish a goal it makes all the difference . I just gave a young black man a job making 27.50 an hour to start , later he will be over 100,000 a year easy , he had no father , he was raised by his mother , I told him if you make excuses I will not help you , he sucked it up and now is loving his job , a good job will change a life , but people hate excuse making .

  • I work in a mental health hospital and I see and hear what you talking about daily from kids to adults to older people. Please find a good doctor and as much social services help as you can and use them appropriately. You are very articulate and I wish you nothing but the best of health and life.You gonna make it and thrive.

  • Take advantage of whatever services are available for people like you in your area. You have a chronic condition which can never be 'cured' only managed. Do the best you can to be as healthy as you can be. Taking care of your own well-being will always be a major part of your life. Under the circumstances I'd say just being a productive member of society is an accomplishment of note. Frankly that's all most people ever achieve even with perfectly normal functioning brains.

Account Login
Signup
Is this post inapropriate?
Is this comment inapropriate?
Delete this post?