Mental Illness Is Hard To Live With

Due to being abused physically and psychologically as well as bullied as a child, I experienced mild brain damage which caused me to develop mental illness.

The worst by-product by far is the tendency to think evil thoughts and/or carry out evil actions. I fantasize about torturing and killing people who have done wrong to me. I would never actually harm someone that way, but I fantasize about it nevertheless and I enjoy these visualizations tremendously at times. Usually when I am seized by these moods, I might just say something rude, not that doing so is acceptable behaviour.

Later, if I remember a disturbing idea or fantasy, I am disturbed that I would actually derive enjoyment from such notions, and thus I suffer.

Being mentally ill is very stressful at times. Many people are afraid of us, but it is we who suffer the most.

I live a Dr. Jekyll & Mr. Hyde-existence. I have experienced a great deal of shame and humiliation because of some of the bizarre and offensive things I have said and done both online and in real life while experiencing symptoms of my illness.

I know it's not my fault, but it's still a cause for feelings of embarrassment that I experience far too often. I have lost friends and hurt other people I loved because of it. Other effects are cognitive deficits and delusional thinking. I get confused or forgetful and it aggravates people who think that I am either being indolent or they assume I'm stupid-a major source of interpersonal stress in the workplace.

I also have not accomplished anything of note in my life and live just above the poverty line.

I have very limited experience with women because of my dysfunctional behaviour.

I have had a hard time adapting to the hardships and responsibilities of adulthood. I feel like the character Tom Hanks played in "Big": a boy trapped in a man's body.

I'll never have any inner peace until I know I can trust myself not to act weird or crazy, but I don't expect that to happen any time soon. If only I could socialize without being paralyzed by a fear of saying or doing something wrong or weird. I don't want to hurt anybody, nor do I want to make anybody uncomfortable.

I'm just a man with faulty wiring: sometimes it misfires or get crossed.

Sep 14, 2013

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  • The problem is when you think about killing you think it's harmless but what your doing is your setting up a seed in your mind .
    Then one day you are going to get really mad at someone and your going to snap and kill something .

    I know what I am talking about because I though of killing and one day I snapped and killed my dog !

    It felt like am out of body experience like it was not me but it was me .

    so what I am saying is try to control your fantasy because it may become reality .

  • Some people look for excuses to fail or commit horrible acts , some people step over this and find a way to be successful , much is up to you . Do not live in fantasy live in real time . There are many jobs, but many people do not want to work or sweat or learn a skill , they only want something easy with big money or big benefits, so many are nearly worthless . I am a jobs activist here in Houston , last 12 months we had 97,700 new jobs , I have helped get hundreds great jobs . Many programs only require a one year certificate or a 2 year associates degree to make 150,000 per year , yet it is extremely hard to get people due to the maturity level is at an all time low . I refuse to talk with someone whom is disrespectful and makes excuses , if the are respectful and look to accomplish a goal it makes all the difference . I just gave a young black man a job making 27.50 an hour to start , later he will be over 100,000 a year easy , he had no father , he was raised by his mother , I told him if you make excuses I will not help you , he sucked it up and now is loving his job , a good job will change a life , but people hate excuse making .

  • I work in a mental health hospital and I see and hear what you talking about daily from kids to adults to older people. Please find a good doctor and as much social services help as you can and use them appropriately. You are very articulate and I wish you nothing but the best of health and life.You gonna make it and thrive.

  • Take advantage of whatever services are available for people like you in your area. You have a chronic condition which can never be 'cured' only managed. Do the best you can to be as healthy as you can be. Taking care of your own well-being will always be a major part of your life. Under the circumstances I'd say just being a productive member of society is an accomplishment of note. Frankly that's all most people ever achieve even with perfectly normal functioning brains.

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