Mental Illness Is Hard To Live With
Due to being abused physically and psychologically as well as bullied as a child, I experienced mild brain damage which caused me to develop mental illness.
The worst by-product by far is the tendency to think evil thoughts and/or carry out evil actions. I fantasize about torturing and killing people who have done wrong to me. I would never actually harm someone that way, but I fantasize about it nevertheless and I enjoy these visualizations tremendously at times. Usually when I am seized by these moods, I might just say something rude, not that doing so is acceptable behaviour.
Later, if I remember a disturbing idea or fantasy, I am disturbed that I would actually derive enjoyment from such notions, and thus I suffer.
Being mentally ill is very stressful at times. Many people are afraid of us, but it is we who suffer the most.
I live a Dr. Jekyll & Mr. Hyde-existence. I have experienced a great deal of shame and humiliation because of some of the bizarre and offensive things I have said and done both online and in real life while experiencing symptoms of my illness.
I know it's not my fault, but it's still a cause for feelings of embarrassment that I experience far too often. I have lost friends and hurt other people I loved because of it. Other effects are cognitive deficits and delusional thinking. I get confused or forgetful and it aggravates people who think that I am either being indolent or they assume I'm stupid-a major source of interpersonal stress in the workplace.
I also have not accomplished anything of note in my life and live just above the poverty line.
I have very limited experience with women because of my dysfunctional behaviour.
I have had a hard time adapting to the hardships and responsibilities of adulthood. I feel like the character Tom Hanks played in "Big": a boy trapped in a man's body.
I'll never have any inner peace until I know I can trust myself not to act weird or crazy, but I don't expect that to happen any time soon. If only I could socialize without being paralyzed by a fear of saying or doing something wrong or weird. I don't want to hurt anybody, nor do I want to make anybody uncomfortable.
I'm just a man with faulty wiring: sometimes it misfires or get crossed.