I always wanted to be bulimic
Ever since I was ten years old and my mother yelled at me for being overweight, I have always had fantasies about having an eating disorder. I would always try to starve myself as much as I could, but unfortunately, I was unable to cut myself off completely. I was in marching band in high school, so I had to keep up some kind of diet so that I wouldn't pass out. I was about 117 pounds throughout high school. I wasn't too big, though I saw myself is giant. Little did I know that I would hit a depression right after graduation and I would put on 20 pounds. Since then, my dysmorphia has been out of control.
Last week, I finally decided to do the deed. I was going to overcome my life long phobia of vomiting and I was going to purge my food. I was so ready. That is, until nothing came out. It turns out, my gag reflex doesn't trigger. I've tried everything to make myself puke, but I absolutely can't induce vomiting without endangering myself.
I can't believe that I will never, ever be able to be bulimic. I feel bad that I'm devastated.