Behind the Scenes
Wow, where to start?? I'm not even sure how to start, I'm trembling at the thought, when you carry a secret for so long it can truly become a burden. The thought of having someone to confess to is very liberating.
I had a wonderful childhood, most people assume if you're sexual, that you were raped or molested at some point, that not the case. I also had a wonderful college experience, but nothing overly sexual.
For as long as I can remember I always wanted to work in the Film and TV business (NOT an actress, but behind the scenes), something my parents were against, for fear of lack of job stability. So after college I moved to NYC, bright eyed and full of energy. Very soon after I arrived I got an unpaid internship on a big Hollywood film. It was all so very exciting and new. Then on the 6th day of shooting I was told to give the executive producer a ride back to his hotel. We were making small talk along the way, he was asking what I wanted to do in the business, he seemed nice, blah, blah. Then when we got to the hotel, he propositioned me in the car. He basically said if I came up to his room for a little bit, he could make sure the my career got off on the right foot. I was so young and naive, I'm not even sure I knew what he meant. I thought he was going to give me advice or something, never in a million years would I have ever thought his offer was sexual. So I went to his suite, he closed the door and looked at me, told me how beautiful I was. He walked up to me and told me to kneel. As crazy as this sounds I still wasn't totally sure what was happening. I got on my knees and when I heard his zipper, I all hit me like a ton of bricks, next thing I knew his hard c*** was floating in front of my face.
My jaw must have hit the floor with shock, cause he started to talk to me. Talking about how he'd watched people struggle for years in the business and never succeed, and for 15 minute of my time he could promise to jumpstart to my career. All I wanted to do was stand up and leave, but I couldn't, I was paralyzed with fear of disappointing him, knowing he'd never make an offer to me again. And I was scared I might leave and never have another break again, or what if he black balled me? My mind was racing. He could sense my fear and confusion, and just whispered, "just open your mouth a little," and I did, and I felt him slowly slide it into my mouth. The he said, "just close your eyes and imagine I'm your boyfriend." I did because it was the only thing I could think of to get through it. I sucked him for about 10 minutes, he kept stopping me when he'd get close. The when I felt him about to c** I instinctively went to pull away, and I felt him grab a fist full of my hair and say, "you're not going anywhere," then he started to c** in my mouth. He was a very heavy c*****, not only thick, but heavy. He shot 3 or 4 streams into my mouth, my mouth filled quickly. I wasn't sure what to do since I had never swallowed before. I was a good Jewish girl from a conservative family, what was I doing?? How did I end up here?? Then I heard him say, "I want you to swallow it all." When I did I let out a loud, guttural, gag, I had never gaged like that before, but I kept his c** down. He quickly guided my head back onto his c*** telling me I wasn't done yet. He shot another 5 or 6 think loads in my mouth, all of which I had to fight to get down. When I got back to the car I cried my eyes out, and swore I'd never let that happen again.
The next day I was called to the production office and they told me I would be put on payroll at $1500 a week and would be special assistant to the executive producer. At first I was very excited, my parents weren't helping me finically (they wanted me to work for the family business) and I was broke. But I quickly realized, with me on the payroll, that I'd be expected to do a lot more, and there were still 8 weeks left in the production. Needless to say, by the end of the movie I was experienced in ways I'd never would have imagined.
Something that I never realized about success, (getting it that way) is that you can't go back, you can't turn back the clock. All my interviews from then on were coming from recommendations from producers I'd been with, so the next would expect the same.
Over the next 8 years I used it to become VERY successful, but as I reached age 30, a new young crop of girls were replacing me, and because of my success, I wasn't getting propositioned anymore. I immediately felt the void, realizing that over the years I had developed an addiction to it, a hunger almost. Specifically I had become very addicted to sucking. I tried to distract myself any way I could, got married, had a baby, but the hunger never went away.