Do I Just Love Her? Or, am I... in Love with Her?
I have been friends with her for more than 2 years. It isn't a pretty long time if you look at it actually. Some people have childhood buddies and they've been together since forever but for me, it feels as if me and her have known each other since lifetimes before. She tells me everything (I'm practically a walking diary for her) and she even told me her "life story" on why she's the hardworking nerdy girl everyone sees her. Well, I don't see her as someone who simply has high grades. She's more than that to me.
Recently, I have been having weird dreams about her. Yes, truly weird. At first, whenever I have dreams about her, she always ALWAYS seems to be mad at me. I have no idea why. She just is. I'm not entirely sure what I did to deserve such anger. All forms, if I may say - shouting, the cold shoulder, physical hurting. I kept telling her about this. She said she'll never get mad at me. I told her I hope that I would never experience that day in real life. Then suddenly, my dreams changed. There was this one dream in particular that disturbed me. A LOT. The dream was situated in an arena and we were forced to fight against a pair of gladiators (The twist is me and my friend were... handcuffed. Yeah, sort of kinky.) So yes, of course we won. It's my dream, after all. After the fight, we end up in some kind of chamber. There, everything turned... Yeah. She began to raise my right forearm and pinned my wrist on the wall. Then, she placed her knee in between my... thighs. Right on the crotch. She started kissing me "passionately," if you may say. That's not the only dream. There's another wherein I walk up right next to her, embracing her from behind while lying in bed. I felt so cozy just seeing it in my dream. I don't know where all of these "feelings" come from. Was it the time when I asked her (in a subtle Kill-****-Marry game) to choose between her significant other, old flame, and me if which ones will be which? She didn't want to answer at first. I asked her "Is it because you'd kill me, huh?" jokingly. She said "No. Actually, I'd marry you. I don't have the courage to kill you. That's like, killing myself." I didn't know what to feel. Am I suppose to feel guilty about feeling great that I heard that? I even added another subtle question in a "Would You Rather?" game, asking "Would you rather live in a world without *insert significant other here* OR would you rather live in a world without..." I was waiting for her to finish my sentence (and she did) Her: "What? Live in a world without you?" Of course I pretended to not know what to say and totally agree with her. Again, she didn't want to answer. That until the guy left to pee. She whispered to me "Of course I'd pick you."
I've always felt good whenever I'm with her, whenever I'm chatting with her or being next to her. I love that feeling of sitting by her, my leg lightly touching hers. I'm not sure, maybe I'm just paranoid that she makes the effort of making them touch on purpose... Probably just me. My feelings about her only made me more confused when I had another weird dream. In the dream, she kissed my temple then told me "No one's stopping us." I wasn't sure what that meant exactly. It didn't help that in THAT day (which is actually today as in this day I typed this...), there was this time that as she was sitting down a chair, I went behind her. I then gave her a pat on the head then embraced her from behind with my chin on her head. All of the sudden, she took both of my hands as gently and delicately as she did and placed them over her chest. Did that just happen? I just stood there a bit motionless as to not to feel all weird about it. Then, she slowly, gracefully moved my hands again. She interlocked her fingers with mine, like that "Lovers holding hands" sort of way - the spaces between my fingers were fitted with hers. This lasted for more than a minute. Did I mention this happened while we were in a classroom, at the back? (You see, we teach kids as part of our community service.) It was magical, if you ask me. What am I suppose to feel now? This isn't normal. Well, she has a boyfriend but that doesn't really change the way how I feel. She already told me that I mean more to her than any guy she'll ever get involved with. I am certain with all my mind, heart and soul that I love her. But... am I in love with her?
P.S. I am a girl.
(Sorry if it's too long. I had to vent my feelings out, one way or another. Feel free to comment. I would love to know what you think about my... confession :) Thanks for reading!)