I secretly hate my step daughter

All this time I really felt alone with my anger and was embarrassed to tell anyone how I really felt about my 10 yr old step daughter. She lies, hides grown up clothes and everything that she is banned from using and she steals. She doesn't know how to communicate and I've tried to be close to her. I have a 10 yr old son and him and I are very close. He's so opposite from her that she gets jealous and tries to get him in trouble. I tell him not to play with her and she tells her dad he doesn't like her. Her dad knows how she is and blows off her actions as if they are nothing. I'm afraid of her teenage years. Her real mom is living in a car and does drugs. Tells my step daughter all her problems and she brings that here to our home. I'm resenting my step daughter so much and don't even like looking at her, taking care of her when I just recently lost my dad. I have enough on my plate w/o this little lying sneak add on to it. I wish at least her grandparents take her for the summer. No one wants her so I'm stuck acting like her biological parent. I'm ready to move back home. I feel helpless and needed to vent. So, thank you! Btw, she's been lying, stealing and hiding things for about 2 years. I'm not gonna waste my breath anymore by talking to her about right and wrong stuff.


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  • What wonderful advice. Thank you so much and yes , I am currently looking into therapy for us. I believe in my blended family and have talked to my boyfriend about what boundaries her real mom must have with her. When I met my boyfriend, I was amazed at his responsibility in raising his daughter. Never had I imagined that he was never her real dad. I was floored yet on board with raising her as my own. I strongly believe she needs therapy because she is a lost little girl. And since I was such a tomboy growing up, I can not really relate to all her princess toys and pink everything. I am a catholic and felt so bad for how I felt and working with youth before was totally caught off guard with this little girl. I've used every resource I could think of that I have learned through my work but I am so exhausted. My boyfriend had alcoholic parents and was raised my his grandma so really has no parenting skills. I credit my parents for raising us with strong morals and being strict yet caring. I was lucky and just assumed everyone had what I had. We weren't rich but our parents loved us. I believe I was chosen for this task. I hope and believe wonderful things can come from this lost child. Thank you so much for your insight. I needed someone else to help me understand what she must be going through as well!

  • Glad it helped. Therapy is a really good start. And just be patient with the process, it could take some time before you experience real results. And there may be some bumps ahead, but just stay consistent and your hard work will pay off. Gosh, this little girl is really dealing with a lot. Abandonment is also on the list too. I say if she's into pink and princess toys, then find your inner princess and play along. And maybe introduce her to doing some tomboy things too. But it may be a way for you two to bond and she may find it easier to confide and trust you more too. In light of the parenting tools you both have (or lack thereof), you may have to recreate them and find your own way. You deal with what you have. But your boyfriend needs to realize he needs to put in the work. You cannot do this all on your own. Best of luck to you guys!

  • No doubt she sounds challenging. And you knew this man you married had a child, but just wasn't expecting this kind of baggage. Biological or not. When you marry someone with a child, you become a parent. Sorry, about the loss of your father. But lets face it, we are always given challenges even at the worst of times. For some reason, you are given this one and maybe with a lot of work you can turn this situation around. It can't be easy on anyone, especially that 10 year old girl. Don't forget she is only 10. She doesn't have the life experiences behind her that she can confidently say, this will pass. And sounds like all the adults in her life are failing her. So she's just resorting to the only survival instincts she knows, which isn't getting her anywhere. You know..bad attention is better than no attention. She needs some serious therapy and reassurance that she's going to be okay. She needs a father who doesn't ignore her and brush it off as nothing. Because you are right, she's going to be a teenager with some serious behavioral issues if this is not dealt with NOW. And he's a huge part of this too. She needs boundaries. She needs to socialize with your son. When there is a disagreement or a fight, both kids get the same punishment and reward. Don't favor your son over her. It will be noticeable and it will just continue this cycle, and most likely escalate her behavior. It is terribly unfortunate, her real mother is not able to mother her and probably shouldn't be around her. Have you ever considered that the stealing may be for her mom? Maybe the girl feels like she'll be living in the car next? And she's stockpiling, because she really doesn't feel safe. She is reacting and what needs to happen is that her emotional needs need to be met. But you need help as well. And maybe counseling is in order for the whole family. Some other outside influence needs to come in and give you guys the tools to really make this dynamic work.

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