I'm useless.

I've cut all of my friends out of my life. It started accidentally (if I can even call it an accident, which I realize I shouldn't) with a few friends I didn't really talk to any way. Then I started realizing that people I thought were my friends were just come-and-go acquaintances and the people that were really my friends aren't really the best influences. There is a group of people who act nice to me and I've known them most of my life, but I'm likely a bother since I don't share much of the same interests as them and it's quite apparent that I'm like a "third wheel". There's one person who I still rely on and see as a friend, but I'm afraid he'll abandon me. This all takes me to my present situation of having nearly no friends and being terrified to make new ones due to my anxiety. My anxiety causes me to be too afraid to even try to tone down my existing anxiety; I fear that everything will change and it'll be worse instead of better. Of course, throughout all of this suicide has been a thought; something I could never actually do, but still a looming thought of "what if," and "Who would care if I actually carried through with such an idea?" I see a therapist; however, this is information that I wouldn't dare share with her or anyone else any time soon. Besides, typing this in an anonymous little note in a mere tiny corner of the internet is much easier than speaking to someone in person. Nonetheless, if you happened to come across this passage and managed to read it all the way to this point, it'd be great to know that someone actually read this whether you cared or not. Most likely I'm younger than I may have lead you to believe or maybe you caught on, but it doesn't change anything I happened to type tonight. Hoping for something better feels almost useless, no, I feel useless as if I'm nothing. Perhaps I'm depressed. For now I believe that's all there is to say, I doubt I'll follow up on this and if I do the chance that I'd connect it to this article is slim. Thank you if you read this entirely, it means more than you think it does; forgive me if it was a waste of time in any way, shape, and/or form.

4 Comments

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  • You are a very honest person to admit to being useless go out and get f*****

  • Hey. I just wanted to let you know I read this and it gets better. Friends are important, but, they aren't life. You found a place online to confess your inner thoughts. There is so much out there without even leaving your house! I would suggest studying a religion that seems interesting. Learn how to play an instrument (youtube). Learn everything there is to know about a sport. Learn to play a tabletop RPG (the books are usually quite interesting, if you're into that). Study astronomy. Find something that you get into, basically anything. You'll find friends that are into the same things as you and then conversation and friendship just happens. Shared interest = Conversation. If you don't make friends, who cares? At least you have a cool hobby.

  • Well clearly you have too much time on your hands. I don't know about other people, but I do know life's one hard son of a gun. You meet people throughout your life, they were meant to be part of your life at that point in time. I felt alone too, like I meant nothing too, that I, who I was, in life was not and is not enough for anyone or anything. That all I was doing meant nothing, that I'm a big waste of space. You right, then the thoughts comes about suicide. You wonder how much people would actually pitch up who'd cry and wonder why cry now. I get it, you'd just like to see that someone cares... From what I've gathered your a pretty smart girl but... Tell me... Wasn't this caring in itself?

  • You do not deserve to feel like this. I'm not a professional but clearly you are depressed. There is help out there. You're not alone, believe me. Yes I read your very poignant post and relate to much of it. I once was where you are now. All I can say is that you need to tell these things to your therapist. That is what they are there for. Regardless of your age, you deserve happiness. You are wise to recognize negative influences in your so called friends. They aren't your true friends (which are hard to find believe me). Find people you have something in common with. Work on getting passed your anxiety and trying new things out. Eventually you'll meet people you have more in common with and can relate better to. Trust me, things will be better one day, but YOU do have to work on making things better.

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