I don't really know what category to put this under because it's pretty much everything. My name is Jade, I'm 16, and all of this happened to me but I've told no one, and need to get it all out because it's killing me.
I met a guy at a party. He said that he'd dissolved ecstasy into the cup of water he gave me. I took it and drank at and the next thing I knew, I was waking up the next morning naked in a bed. I don't know what happened.
I've done lots of drugs and I used to drink a lot. As soon as I started doing coke frequently though, I stopped because I knew I was getting hooked. I loved the way it made me feel--it gave me mania--a natural high I get from being bipolar, only it was better than that.
I've needed stitches many times before for intentional cuts on my body. I'm afraid that I'll accidentally cut myself to death.
I had a girlfriend who I really loved, even though she abused me. She would say really hurtful things and yell at me a lot for things I didn't do. She was convinced I was cheating on her. I wasn't. She called me a w****. A low-life. She said I was nothing. Then she would apologize and we'd have s**. One time, she hit me. She said she would never do it again but she did. I loved her so much, but I had to end it. After that, when I had s** with other girls I wanted them to hit me. I wanted them to cut me. I wanted them to hurt me. Sometimes, I wanted them to kill me.
I used to have vivid fantasies about killing myself by tearing deeply into my wrists. It felt so good to think about.
I think I was abused when I was little. I remember the act of it, but I can't remember what the man's face looked like or how I felt. It's pretty much like a blurry picture. It was visual (barely) and only visual. I don't remember any of the other senses.
Recently I've been throwing up what I eat. I don't know why. I just feel fat, although I know I'm not. Maybe I just want to punish myself.
I think my depression is coming back. I can't stop it this time.