I Took Advantage of My Best Guy Friend When He Was Drunk

I really only had one true friend growing up, we were like brothers. We would do everything together and he meant so much to me. In college, we went to different schools and didn't see eachother very often. Apparently, he became depressed at some point, although I didn't fully understand how bad it really was. When we would meet up for drinks, he seemed like the same old great guy to me. At some point I started to fantasize about being with him. Being with another man was something I had thought about a lot, and experimenting with him just sounded comfortable and exciting. One night we had a lot to drink in the city. We got a hotel room together and I was really h****. I ordered some p*** and started masturbating underneath the covers. He was very drunk and started to try and sleep. I suddenly had a very strong urge to be wih him sexually. I went over to his bed, took his pants off and proceeded to give him oral s**. At one point I asked him if it was OK, and he said that it was. In my heart though, I know he was not in a place to make this decision. It felt so right being with him that I even decided to fall asleep next to him naked. When I awoke in the morning I felt terrible. I put my clothes on and made sure he was covered as well. We hung out several times after this, even sleeping drunk in hotel rooms again together on occasion with nothing like this ever happening again. We never spoke of the one night, but I know a small part of him must have had an idea about what had happened. About three years after this incident he committed suicide. Although I don't think what I did was directly related to why he decided to take his life, I know I let him down as a friend. I would give anything to be able to go back in time and confess to him and apologize for my actions. I feel so guilty that I never said anything to him about how awful I felt about my decision. I pray for forgiveness and I've tried to forgive myself. I have a wife and kid now and I know that I need to be mentally strong for both of them. I don't think telling this to my wife would help solve anything. I spend time with his parents now and I try to not view p********** as often as I used to. I am bothered by this everyday and I don't feel like there is anyone I can tell. I have been blessed with a wonderful life and I want so badly to be able to move on.

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  • Dear friend,
    It is apparent that you were very close to your friend and his loss has undoubtedly caused a lot of pain to you. But you have to stop blaming yourself. Please remember that what happened that night between both of you was one off event triggered due to strong sexual attraction. Can you be absolutely sure that what happened between the two of you was not a bright spot in his otherwise dark and gloomy life? Both of you did hang out few times afterwards without any awkwardness right? Just because none of you spoke about that night, does not make it so wrong that you live in guilt for your entire life. Cherish the beautiful moments spent with him with out guilt and let his soul know that you really love him and wish him well where ever he is.

  • Write him an apology, then burn it. Then forgive yourself, you were young and h**** and HUMAN.

    He did say yes, although drunkenly, and you never intended to harm him. Of course you would have reached out to help him if you knew he was going to commit suicide, and this one minor sexual encounter cannot be a cause why he decided to take his life several years later.

    Stop beating yourself up about this.

  • Thank you so much. You have no idea how good it feels to hear you say this. I'm doing my best to let this go and to learn all that I can from my mistake. I'm starting to realize that I am not the center of the universe now, and I need to be more conscious of other people and their feelings. Thank you again for taking the time to respond.

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