I'm scared of my own mind

I'm scared of my own mind. Sometimes I sit and listen to music on the bus or something and I'm literally terrified to relax because of what my mind will start to think about. The same happens when I sleep. That's why I go to bed so late. I'm 15 girl by the way. I do get to sleep but it's hard and most of the time I'm tired but scared to be alone. I cut and told my sister but she just tells me to stop and that it's because I get an adrenaline rush from it. I hate myself so much and I've thought about killing myself. I know how I'd do it but I don't have access to any pills. My mum made me go to therapy (I hate her but that's a whole other confession) and I hate it. I feel weak and stupid when I go and I'm scared to share anything just incase the therapist tells my dad I'm thinking about suicide. I'm so afraid of disappointing people but at the same time I just want to give up. I don't care anymore. I smile everyday and try to act as happy as possible but inside I'm dying. I'm fat and ugly. I tried making myself throw up once or twice. I almost got there but I stop just before i do. I want to be happy again but at the same time I know I just don't deserve it. Everything I love leaves me. My close friend died last year and this year I lost my dog who I loved dearly. I'd tell her everything. She was like my best friend. I miss her so much. My sister and dad just tell me to get through it and work hard at school but I find it impossible because I keep getting panic attacks and stress headaches. I don't know what to do because I'm surrounded by people who tell me to get over it but I physically can't. It's so hard. I don't think most of them know how much I feel like this, only that I'm a bit sad. I don't know what to do. I find myself unable to take in any information no matter how hard I try at school. It takes me forever to learn one piece of info when before I could learn a whole drama piece in a day. I'm so confused and tired. When I say I'm confused and tired to people it's my way of trying to express to them how I feel but they just say get more sleep and study more. (People meaning my dad, whom I love a lot and am terrified of disappointing, and my sister)


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  • Thank you for sharing your feelings with us. What you are feeling is not your fault, and you have done nothing wrong. You might feel guilty about how you're feeling, or ashamed, but you are not alone in this. I lived many years as a teenager with depression, and with similar feelings and thoughts as you're describing. I wish I had opened up sooner, because I realized that there are many people that go through similar situations and have been able to get better. Once I really accepted help it became much easier to deal with my feelings and thoughts. But you have to tell someone, and let it out. Remember that you are a beautiful person! Accepting that you need help is not an act of weakness, it really takes a lot of courage.
    Therapy can really help, so if it's not working with your therapist ask your parents for a new one. It's important that you trust your psychologist. But you may also need medication (as was my case). Taking medication and doing therapy really helped me get out of my depression and start accepting who I was.
    Please be patient, and remember that even though you might be feeling bad now, you can can get better, a lot better. You just need to make that step. Good luck!

  • At least your in therapy. Remember ts what you do not what you think that matters.

  • You need help. Please confide everything you said here with your therapist. Holding things back and putting yourself in danger is only hurting your dad and sister even more. It's ok to need help. Everyone does at one point or another. You don't deserve to suffer but that is exactly what you're doing. Don't cheat yourself out of the happiness you deserve.

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