Guilty and depressed

I know this guy for almost seven years. We were best friends and three years back he said he was in love with me and wants to get married. I did not expect it as I didn't think I actually loved him.I kept saying this won't work out but he kept persuading, he was getting depressed saying he could not imagine me getting married to some other person. This went on for a year and I finally gave in and agreed. He is a very decent guy very caring very sweet very loving. He treats me like a queen. I should be lucky to have someone like that. We told our parents. They did not agree and after trying to convince them for almost a year they finally agreed. This should have been a perfect end for a love story. But my problem started here. I have always had a good emotional connect with him. But somehow I have never felt the physical and intellectual connection happening between us. I just kept convincing myself that emotional connect was the most important thing and it is only important if we both loved each other. And that after our marriage the rest will fall in place. But, just before our wedding was finalised, I met a guy online few months back and we really hit it off. It was as if we knew each other for ages. I haven't felt this way about any guy in my life till now. And I started liking it. He knew I was in a relationship and so he kept his limits initially. I felt a very strong connect with him, in all aspects , somehow I could feel it and I felt that he felt the same way about me. I started texting him continuously ignoring my bf. After a while I realised this is how it felt to be in a perfect relationship. I became more intimate with this new guy in a matter of few months, than I was with my bf for all these years. For the first time, I felt 100% comfortable with a guy. And the idea I had about being in a relationship was all shattered and this made me realise "this is how it should actually be". And before I could realise, I fell in love with this new guy. And it wasn't like he proposed or I proposed. It just happened and the two of us fell in love almost together. I started cheating my bf. I started meeting this new guy. I couldn't stay away from him even for a day. He felt the same way about me. I had to meet him every single day. I hadn't felt this way about my bf. And it made me wonder, all these years was I actually thinking I was in love, but I was not? Now I'm in the most horrible place of my life. Our wedding date is fixed. Both families are happy. I'm still with this new guy. My bf doesn't know. I feel very guilty and I want to break up with my bf because I feel it is not fair. But cancelling my marriage now involves disappointing too many people including my parents who are aging. And honestly even if things come back to normal after breakup, I dont know how my family would react if I say I'm in love with this new guy who is almost four years younger than me. Should I risk my marriage for this? I also feel it is not ok with continuing the marriage either. This new guy wants me to go ahead with the marriage and still cheat my fiancé after marriage. I can't do that. My life would be h***. I feel so guilty for having put myself in this situation and ruining my life and happiness. I don't know what I should do. I feel breaking up with my bf is the best thing to do but I'm scared if something will happen to my parents or his who are getting old and eagerly looking forward to our wedding. I think I should just die. Please help.

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  • I understand your fears and frustrations, I was in a similar situation several years ago. It was interesting reading your story, because you know exactly what you should do! You say that with your fiancée there was never the spark that you've had with your lover. That is important. The guy you're marrying might be the nicest guy, and treat you well, but that is not always enough. You also need the sexual and intellectual parts as well.
    Remember that you have to be true to yourself, above anybody else. That's how you keep your integrity, and the only way you can respect yourself. Keeping your needs and desires above those of others is not being selfish, it is simply being honest with the situation that you are living. Many of us have the need to be agreeable, be nice to others and to avoid conflict. And of course no one wants to hurt the feelings of others. You don't want to hurt your fiancee's feelings, your friends, or your parents. But you were not born to satisfy their happiness before yours! Doing what is best for you now is not an easy thing to do, I understand. But by putting it off now you will only be kicking the can for a while, just delaying the inevitable. And by being honest with your fiancée you are also giving him the chance to find someone who will really work out for him.
    So please, don't feel guilty about this! By knowing this other guy you've realized that you can feel happy with someone, and that a relationship can be fulfilling. Regardless of whether something more comes out of this relationship, it has already allowed you to learn more about yourself.

    Best,

    Martin

  • I am sorry if I sounded harsh but that is how I see it. Your BF deserves better treatment. maybe when you learn how to respect and treat people you will find all you want with someone else.

  • You are already a cheater. Break up with your BF. He deserves better than you anyway.

    The new guys sounds like a j***. he loves you but wants you to marry someone else so he can cheat with you? This relationship will fail too.

  • despite what the others have said i dont think you should discount the possibility of maintaining both relationships. if your boyfriend is willing to continue seeing you even though your married i think that means that he really cares about you and about the decisions you had already made before you met him, and that he respects those decisions and you. that counts for a lot. and its possible that your sexual nature is so strong that you can maintain dual physical relationships (or perhaps multiple relationships) with relative ease: in fact, you may actually NEED more than one man's sexual attention in order to be happy and satisfied. i am not telling you what to do except that you should consider keeping both men if you can, and if you want them both. i admit that the idea of being engaged to and then marrying one guy while you continue a hot physical relationship with another (expecially when he knows your getting married) is amazingly sexy! like...... WOW!!!

  • Come clean and don't marry your BF! Everyone will get over the breakup, including you. BUT don't depend on this new guy to keep it going either! A relationship based on a deceit will never prosper. If he'll cheat with you, he'll cheat on you.....

  • It sounds like everyone is getting what they want, but you. And you knew from the beginning that you didn't feel the same way. Your fiance could be the nices guy ever, but if you don't feel it, you don't feel it. And he can't guilt you into marrying him. He may have a hard time with your decision, but there are certain things you can't compromise on..like your life. Marrying your best friend is great, but if the chemistry is not there to begin with it may not magically appear once you're married. Getting married isn't like a bandaid that patches things up if something is broken or missing. Just like when people think having a kid is going to make everything better. If you know now going in to this marriage that it's not what you want, then speak up and break it off and cancel the wedding. Your happiness is important. Your parents are married, they probably would understand if you explained. Sure they'd like to see their daughter get married, but if you're miserable..where's the joy? You'll be living a lie. And that's not fair to anyone. Break up with your fiance. This is your life, stand up for yourself. There are no guarantees with this new guy. But think he needed to come into your life to show you how you can truly feel about someone. One thing to keep in mind, and that is the other guy's intentions. After all, he wants you to get married and see you on the side. He may not really be interested in anything long term. Are you okay with that? Regardless, you should not go through with this marriage. People will understand and move on from this. It will all work out.

  • You can't marry your fiancé if you are truly in love with another man. If you think you're unhappy and conflicted now, try to imagine it becoming exponentially worse. With each passing day, your misery will deepen, especially if you maintain the physical relationship with the new guy. Ending the engagement will be hard and painful, but it will be honest. And that's the best place for you to begin your life. Whether or not that life includes the new man, it doesn't matter: relying on honesty will be a sturdier and more stable foundation than continuing to live a lie. Or, more accurately, an expanding series of lies. Tell your family you're very sorry and very distraught, but it's better -- and easier -- to end an engagement than to end a marriage. And if you marry your fiancé and continue the affair with your lover, ending a marriage is where you'd be headed. My parents taught me (as I'm sure yours did) that it's better to take bad medicine fast, and get it over with. Don't allow this situation to linger: it's only going to get worse. For you and everybody else involved.

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