I am living a lie

I've always been somewhat socially awkward. Always had a hard time making friends and didn't even have a date until I was 23. There were a few girls that I knew liked me before then but I didn't like them back. Don't get me wrong, I never expected a supermodel brain surgeon but the attraction just wasn't there in any shape or form.

Finally, I gave up and settled for a date with a girl I didn't like because quite frankly I felt like I just can't do any better (not that I was such a great catch either). I then held on to that relationship and after a while was given the ultimatum: get married or leave. I still didn't love her at that point but once again I gave in out of fear of being alone.

She wanted kids, I was indifferent about it. We now have a 1.5-year old and fatherhood is sucking the life out of me. It's a paradoxical state of affairs: I love my son but I hate being a father.

I act happy and do all the appropriate things. To everyone around me I look like a well-adjusted adult. However, I hate my life. It wasn't so bad until we had a baby. Now, my life is completely dominated by our son. Every single moment of every day is centered around him and it's the most boring, exhausting and frustrating experience I've ever had to endure.

When I was in college I used to see my future self traveling the world, going skydiving, snowboarding, camping, living in a nice condo, just generally enjoying my life. Now, I spend all my non-working hours in our shithole of a house, working on fixing it up, doing chores and catering to my son's royal highness. Evenings and weekends are all booked solid with this stuff. I never get enough sleep because my son dictates when I can sleep. When I talk to my wife it's always about him.

We both have well-paying jobs but because of the wedding, the house and the kid (things that I never craved to begin with) we are still knee-deep in debt and living paycheck to paycheck.

The fact that my wife seems so freakin' happy with this lifestyle is making me resent her more every day. I've already cheated on her repeatedly at so-called "massage parlors".

There it is, the good, but mostly the bad and the ugly.

I take full responsibility for the mess I got myself into but I this is where I'm at now and something has to give soon.

I've thought about suicide, thought about leaving, thought about sticking it out until my son grows up and leaves. I'm not necessarily looking for an answer here, mostly just venting. I've never told any of this to anyone before.

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  • Spank her. If she isn't what you want, make her what you want. I made my wife wear miniskirts. I had various sexual fantasies and I acted them out with her. When they have a young kid they are much more pliable. I decided what hairstyle she was to have.

  • I've seen men like you. That will teach you not to value yourself. :)

  • Sometimes being honest with yourself is the hardest thing to do. And a lot of times, it's not really pretty. Not all is lost, you do have options. You can't go back in time, so you have to go forward. You're always going to be a father to that little boy. That is non negotiable. That is a responsibility that you have to upkeep. He's not always going to be 1 1/2. And quite possibly, you may enjoy hanging out with the little guy as he gets older and you may be able to enjoy some of the things you mentioned..camping, traveling etc. As for your wife..you either have to make it work and nurture the connection or you divorce and possibly be alone..or not. You don't know the future. But say, you decide to stay. It's time that you bring balance into your life. Both you and your wife should have "Me" time..go out with your friends, weekend trips. And you and your wife.."together" time. There's a reason you are together. Sure, a child requires attention and yes things do become kid-centric..but you guys set the routine, not the kid. Have you actually spoken to your wife to find out how she feels? Because maybe she uses the kid to avoid spending time alone with you.. idk. Just looking at all angles. Suicide is definitely not an option. And it couldn't hurt for you to find a therapist to talk about these things, otherwise the resentment and anger build.

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