I am living a lie
I've always been somewhat socially awkward. Always had a hard time making friends and didn't even have a date until I was 23. There were a few girls that I knew liked me before then but I didn't like them back. Don't get me wrong, I never expected a supermodel brain surgeon but the attraction just wasn't there in any shape or form.
Finally, I gave up and settled for a date with a girl I didn't like because quite frankly I felt like I just can't do any better (not that I was such a great catch either). I then held on to that relationship and after a while was given the ultimatum: get married or leave. I still didn't love her at that point but once again I gave in out of fear of being alone.
She wanted kids, I was indifferent about it. We now have a 1.5-year old and fatherhood is sucking the life out of me. It's a paradoxical state of affairs: I love my son but I hate being a father.
I act happy and do all the appropriate things. To everyone around me I look like a well-adjusted adult. However, I hate my life. It wasn't so bad until we had a baby. Now, my life is completely dominated by our son. Every single moment of every day is centered around him and it's the most boring, exhausting and frustrating experience I've ever had to endure.
When I was in college I used to see my future self traveling the world, going skydiving, snowboarding, camping, living in a nice condo, just generally enjoying my life. Now, I spend all my non-working hours in our shithole of a house, working on fixing it up, doing chores and catering to my son's royal highness. Evenings and weekends are all booked solid with this stuff. I never get enough sleep because my son dictates when I can sleep. When I talk to my wife it's always about him.
We both have well-paying jobs but because of the wedding, the house and the kid (things that I never craved to begin with) we are still knee-deep in debt and living paycheck to paycheck.
The fact that my wife seems so freakin' happy with this lifestyle is making me resent her more every day. I've already cheated on her repeatedly at so-called "massage parlors".
There it is, the good, but mostly the bad and the ugly.
I take full responsibility for the mess I got myself into but I this is where I'm at now and something has to give soon.
I've thought about suicide, thought about leaving, thought about sticking it out until my son grows up and leaves. I'm not necessarily looking for an answer here, mostly just venting. I've never told any of this to anyone before.