Suicidal Tendencies

I am a 20 year old female who has lived like a gypsy for the past 5 years. As a child, I lived with my father's mother and step father. They raised my younger brother and myself because my mother was very heavily addicted to cocaine, and my father had too many health problems to take care of two children. My grandparents abused me physically and mentally from the time I was 2 years old, until I moved in with my mother when I was 12.(She had been clean for 3 years at that point) I was whipped with a wooden paddle, 1 1/2 inches thick almost every day, for little stupid things, such as not doing my younger brothers homework, or not jumping up as soon as I was spoken to, even if I responded within mere moments. My grandmother would choke me for talking back, even if what she was asking from me was so unjust. I've had "lava" hand soap pumped into my mouth by the container full, until I was laying on the floor vomiting soapy stomach bile. My grandfather's favorite form of abuse was a 5' leather bull whip. But more than that, my father died of a staph infection when I was 8 years old. After that, it seemed to get worse with my grandparents, starting the day of his funeral. My grandmother made me leave with some cousins who were going back to our house to get everything ready for the wake. She made me lave my own fathers funeral, to get ready for the party. At 8 years old, now, I could understand if this was to spare me any trauma, but my brother was 6 at the time, and he was allowed to stay. But that's how it always was with them. My brother got away with everything, and was praised and rewarded for accomplishments that were really mine. When he got good grades in school, its because I was forced to do his work for him, or accept the consequences. I did all of the house work, cleaning, my homework, his homework, and maintaned an A/B average all my life, but that was never good enough for them. I had no friends in school, because I wasn't allowed to go anywhere outside of school. My grandpa always pointed out how unfeminine I was, how bad my acne was, how ugly I am. I felt like I was unworthy of their love my whole life. I started cutting myself. At first it was in places where I could hide, but as things escalated, I got a more carefree with my self harm. I ended up seeing a couselor after a teacher saw my arms. But the counselor I was assigned to gave me the creeps, so i made up excuses so i wouldnt have to go. At 15 years old, I attempted suicide for the first time. I was obviously unsuccessful, which just made me even more depressed. I continued to cut myself. At 17, i thought things were finally starting to get better. I had a best friend who practically lived with me, and a boyfriend whom i was completely in love with. I had finally stopped cutting, although I still had most of the same feelings that led me to cut in the past. Then, one month before i was to start my senior year, with my best friend and boyfriend in tow, My mother and step father informed me and my brother that we would be moving to Wisconsin, as the economy and housing market were steady crashing in Florida. I spent my senior year 1000 miles away from everything i loved, alienated, at a school that was K-12 in one building, 30 kids in my graduating class. 3 months after i moved, my boyfriend decided a long distance relationship wasn't in either of our best interest. I was alone again. I lost 20 lbs in a matter of 3 weeks, purely because i did nothing but go to school, and lay in my bed. I couldn't eat, I couldn't sleep. I was consumed by my depression, my demons. The weekend I turned 18, I moved out of wisconsin, and back to florida. But i wasn't there long before I realized that my prospects of finding a job and being able to make it were slim to none. Since then, in 2 years, i have lived in 5 different states, eventually working my way back to live with my mother in wisconsin, and then Ohio to live with my grandparents again. I currently reside in Ohio, I'm almost homeless, although I work almost 50 hours a week. Between paying rent, and all the hospital bills, car payments and insurance, I barely have enough money to feed myself. Every person that I thought were friends, just use me for money. I had long ago reached my breaking point, and I don't know how much longer I can go on living paycheck to paycheck. I'm tired of just cutting myself. There is so much more to this story, but for 5000 characters, I've already reached the limit several times and had to revise and delete. I want to delete myself. I want to die. I can't do this anymore. Ive cried myself to sleep every single night for as long as I can remember. I've been on drugs, seen therapists. But no one really listens. Nothing changes. If my entire life has been nothing but misery, disaster after disaster, how am I to believe it will ever get better. I am done. I'm past the point where I just think about suicide. I get so close everyday. PLEASE...I CAN'T DO IT ANYMORE...

Nov 10, 2012

Related Posts


  • newest
  • most popular
  • oldest
  • It sounds like you have Borderline Personality Disorder BPD. Talk to a psychologist get diagnosed. If you have it try DBT a good psychologist will know what this is.

  • I would Love to meet you and just cuddle you, To try and make you better.What can anyone say When your life as been a complete misery! So sorry you have never Known complete happiness!

  • I wish you could, as well..

  • Hey girl...don't check out just's about to get good!

  • Hi you have to be strong, wht about your brother how is he doing, you know in all of this you still need to be strong, think about meeting a nice guy getting settled, make sure you keep that job, and also in the mean time try to find a better paying one, one day all the dark clouds will go away and will be sun shine, be strong, if you want a friend who listen let me know. sngagn @ hotmail .com

Account Login
Is this post inapropriate?
Reason for reporting this post
Report this comment
Reason for reporting this comment
Delete this post?