Losing everything

I have been addicted to pain meds percocet mostly for almost 2 years now. I used to have a happy life and nice things and spend time with my family. But now everyday from the moment I wake up to the moment I go to bed (if I even sleep at all) is consumed with how I will find more pills and the money to buy them when i run out. I no longer enjoy anything in life. I have been married for 12 years and my husband takes them too the worst part is that I seperated from him and moved out because he was addicted and wouldn't quit.
He finally did quit when I moved out and now I am the biggest hypocrite ever because he started taking them again because he found mine. I have lost all my money, all of my bills are over do. I have had my phone shut off too many times to remember and I get a shut off notice for my power bill because I can never pay the whole thing. I do have a full time job but after I pay rent all of my money goes to pills. When you are buying off the street just one good high cost around 30 bucks and that only last a hour. I get meds from my Dr because I do have pain but I always run out a couple days after I fill my script. I always promise myself that I won't go and spend all my paycheck on bills but its like I have no control. When I don't have meds the withdraws are so bad I want to die. I can't sleep, eat, laydown, sitdown,
every inch of your body is on fire... so I go and buy pills with money I should be using to pay my bills.
I've lost almost everything. I've sold everything of value that I can sell- other then my car because I do still have my job. My husabnd and I do see each other everyday now even though I moved out. All that out relationship is, is taking the pills then fighting with when we are going through withdrawl. He has a lot of anger issues and I feel very guilty because he probably wouldn't of started again if I hadn't of started taking them for pain then got addicted myself. I'm 31 years old and I have nothing to show for it. I wanted to have kids. I want to be a nurse. I wanted so much out of life and I've gone no where.
I love my family so much but none of them know what I'm going through and I could never tell them so I just don't go around them very much. I miss my mom the most we used to be so close and now we hardly speak. I have nothing really to live for anymore. I have no fight in my left. Everyday is a battle and I don't want to keep living a life where there nothing to really live for. I've fallen to my knees and prayed but everytime I go right back to taking the pills. I feel like the darkness has taken over and I can't find hope anywhere I look. I feel like no one could ever understand the pain and pure terror I feel because I don't know the person I have become. I used to be so happy and loved life and now I hate myself
and the life I have made for myself. I don't know what to do but I do know that I can't go like this much longer

1 Comment

  • newest
  • oldest
  • most replies
  • most popular
  • Please go and get help today. Just call up your family members or go to a rehab facility that deals with addiction and pain management. You can have it all again, but you have to start somewhere. The road ahead won't be easy, but it has to be better then the one you're on now. And it will be worth it. Can you call someone??? If you can't say it, show them this post.

Account Login
Is this post inapropriate?
Is this comment inapropriate?
Delete this post?