i've never been diagnosed with an

i've never been diagnosed with an eating disorder but for a year and a half i've constantly battled the issue of food. everyone in my family has a skewed perception of what weight and eating involve and since i was little i can remember thinking i need to be thin to belong in my family.

last year two of my friends were dealing with parents undergoing chemo and my grandmother kept getting more and more sick but no one knew why. i was always supposed to be the one in control who could handle it all. i was the rock for everyone. with everything that was going on i just... woke up one day and lost my appetite. it wasn't deliberate, it just happened. i ended up losing 22 pounds in two and a half months.

after i lost so much weight it became a control thing. i couldn't help my friends whose parents had cancer. i couldn't stop the disease from spreading or help them deal with reality that their moms might die. i couldn't fix my grandmother's problems. i couldn't make her think or act rationally anymore. i couldn't do anything... but i could control what i ate. since then food has become such a centerpiece in my life. it's one of the first things i think about when i wake up and the last thing i think about when i go to sleep. i'm eating more regularly now but i'm leaving for college in a few months and i'm TERRIFIED i'm going to stop eating again. i know it's going to be a temptation for me. i'm so scared but i've never told a soul about my issues with food. it's the one thing in my life. i don't want it to disappear.

as sick as it may sound, the hungrier i am the better i feel. i feel stronger and more powerful than everyone around me the less i eat. i don't know what to do. i'm sick of living like this but i'm more scared of losing the only thing i can control in my life.

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  • Well, what you have to ask yourself is, what is not eating doing for your friends or your family? Nothing. It's a facade, you see. Yes, you might feel empowered but in the end, starving yourself achieves nothing but your own end. It is a dangerous playground, dear.

    It's only an illusion of control and power and you need to snap out of it before it's too late. It's self-destructive and I know that you have the temptation. It's the same thing with all other addictions. I would recommend you see a doctor, or if you don't want professional help, I would say to do self-help then. Ask yourself about it. Debate with yourself, but whatever you do, do it rationally.

    The next time you feel like not eating, tell yourself that eating is nourishment and that you cannot be expected to gain control in anything if you're undernourished and not eating food is not going to help you gain anything. It will only make you lose more things and if you take it too far, you'll be dead. Know that. I'm not going to lie to you. If you don't eat, you're going down a long, painful death march. Not only that but you'll look like someone that just came out of a concentration camp. I'm not sure if that's the look you want to go for, but I'm taking a good guess that it's not.

    Besides, you don't have to be thin. Ignore our media and all other things which pressure people like ourselves every day of our lives. They are the unreal. Be a real person. Don't make yourself suffer like this.

    -RH

  • Well how bad is it and how much do you weigh right now?

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