i've never been diagnosed with an
i've never been diagnosed with an eating disorder but for a year and a half i've constantly battled the issue of food. everyone in my family has a skewed perception of what weight and eating involve and since i was little i can remember thinking i need to be thin to belong in my family.
last year two of my friends were dealing with parents undergoing chemo and my grandmother kept getting more and more sick but no one knew why. i was always supposed to be the one in control who could handle it all. i was the rock for everyone. with everything that was going on i just... woke up one day and lost my appetite. it wasn't deliberate, it just happened. i ended up losing 22 pounds in two and a half months.
after i lost so much weight it became a control thing. i couldn't help my friends whose parents had cancer. i couldn't stop the disease from spreading or help them deal with reality that their moms might die. i couldn't fix my grandmother's problems. i couldn't make her think or act rationally anymore. i couldn't do anything... but i could control what i ate. since then food has become such a centerpiece in my life. it's one of the first things i think about when i wake up and the last thing i think about when i go to sleep. i'm eating more regularly now but i'm leaving for college in a few months and i'm TERRIFIED i'm going to stop eating again. i know it's going to be a temptation for me. i'm so scared but i've never told a soul about my issues with food. it's the one thing in my life. i don't want it to disappear.
as sick as it may sound, the hungrier i am the better i feel. i feel stronger and more powerful than everyone around me the less i eat. i don't know what to do. i'm sick of living like this but i'm more scared of losing the only thing i can control in my life.