Your name starts with D
I need to write out how I feel about you, each and every day, because it's just too hard to pretend that everything is fine with all the "real" people in my life. Everyday I try to find meaning to my life without you, if I have anything left to live for, and I sink deeper and deeper one day after the next.
Everyday, I wake up alone and tired, dreading the thought of going through another whole day in misery. As I get ready for work, I ask myself if it was worth even getting out of bed, and if I have anything left to live for. I put on headphones as I walk out the door, because I don't want anyone to talk to me, and have to pretend like everything is ok. I think a lot of people in this world mean well, I just don't want anything to do with it.
I spend most of my time at work finding ways to waste time until I can get to the end of the day. Any work I do, I do very slowly with frequent breaks. Sometimes I worry others will catch on, but as far as I can tell, everyone is too busy to care about how productive the quiet guy at his desk is doing. At meetings, I daydream of the time we spent together. I always think about your long beautiful blonde hair, your infectious smiles, and how I never looked happier. My coworkers joke I am so quiet and look sad, I just tell them I like to focus on my work.
After my sluggish crawl through the work day, I head back to my lonely apartment, never saying a word to anyone. Most days, I don't say more than five words, outside of work related questions or meetings. I get home and I think about how nice it would be if you were there. Instead of slouching through my apartment silently, we'd talk to each other about what the best thing about our day was, and our dreams that we are working towards. Instead of eating my dinner alone on the kitchen counter, I'd sit down with you and be so thankful that you're here with me. Instead of being filled with dread and hate, I'd come home excited and eager to see you.
I try to go out, be a social person, make new friends, strengthen relationships with my existing friends, but it always comes back to you. I go on a lot of first dates, but I think they can all tell that something is missing inside of me, the something that allows you to feel for another person, and discover just a shred of commonality with them. My friends think I am just a single guy, living the life, successful job, good looking, popular with girls...when really, I just do a good job of appearing that way. The hardest part for me is when I do all the everyday normal things alone, and I see couples doing the same things happily together. Grocery shopping, taking walks, going to the gym...it's hard for me not to feel some kind of envy and admiration for these people, who are building a life together out of the everyday things in life that I struggle to get through.
I spend the last couple hours of the day smoking or drinking too much, hoping to find a way out of my state of mind. In my inebriated state, I often wonder where it all went wrong. What did I do? How did you really feel all along? Why can't I move on and live a happy and fulfilling life like you? More often than not, I curl up on my couch and bury my face into my hands and cry, knowing that tomorrow it's all going to happen again.
Falling asleep is difficult. Unless I am close to blacked out from the alcohol, I spend hours grasping my pillow, like how we used to hold each other. I think about how soft your lips were, how you touched me, how I was the happiest man on earth laying in bed and staring into your eyes. I toss and turn with these thoughts until I am exhausted enough to pass out. And then I wake up alone and tired, and it all happens once again.
Your name starts with a D. I can't even write it out, out of fear that you'll find this somehow and be filled with shock and pity. Everyone thinks I never gave you a second thought when we stopped seeing each other. Really, it's all that fills my thoughts. I wonder if there has been one day in the last year where you weren't in my thoughts. I miss you and love you dearly.