If a crush lasts longer than four months are you really in love?

I met my husband twelve years ago, and we were on and off again for some time before a traumatic family death made us decide to stay together.

It's been rocky, mostly because ever since we said our vows, I have been having the worst depression of my life. I can't make it through a month without cutting myself. I am miserable.... I used to make fun of people who cut, but now I am almost thirty and cant stop doing it.

I started working at a small cafe with my cousin last year. As it would turn out, the manager of this cafe is very shy, nerdy type who has never had a girlfriend. He is older than me and my husband. I think a lot of people view him as pathetic, and 'undateble'.

Somehow, me and him became friends really fast. A lot of people say we act like siblings, or that we are clones of each other, but I promise we are not related. We just have a lot in common, the same hair color and skin tone.

I quickly developed a little crush on this guy early last year when I first started my kitchen job. I have had the odd crush here or there, so I figured I would just wait it out. A crush for me usually lasts a week, and then the person gets on my nerves.

But... It hasn't gone away. In fact, it's gotten worse.

It's been well over a year, and I still like him. A lot actually... I think about him all the time, get really exited and happy to see him, and have generally warm fuzzies just from being in the same room with the guy.

It makes me feel like a terrible person to have feelings like this for someone other than my husband. I have never, and would never cheat. I said my vows, there is nothing I can do about that... But sometimes I wish I had waited because I wander what might have happened if I met this guy sooner.

It does not help that he is so much nicer and sweeter to me than my husband, who is has always been very negative and harsh with me. My husband makes fun of my cuts and scars, and presses on them to try to 'teach me' to stop cutting.

Every day when I come to work, if I have visible cuts, my manager will tell me to go put on some neosporin so I don't get infected. He doesn't understand why I do it, but he tries to help me not get sick from it. He has shocked me with how much he really cared about me being hurt... I have never felt that cared about before.

He's very quiet, and does not say a lot, but is very calming to be around. He's just nice to everyone. I can tell my cuts really bother him, and that makes me even sadder. I can't make anyone happy.

I hate how bad and guilty this makes me feel all of the time, even though I have never touched the guy, and just secretly crush on him. It hurts. It makes it even worse that he is single, and I just have to watch these girls ignore him and practically spit on him. It's enraging to me.

I read somewhere that if you have a crush for over four months, you are already in love... I this true? I don't know what to do if it is... How do I get over my silly feelings without ruining my marriage or losing a caring friend?

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  • There's no easy answer. You may have to quit your job if you think you're really putting your marriage in jeopardy. Maybe time away from him could put things in perspective. But considering what you said about your marriage/husband..Think this crush is a distraction for you. Is it love? Maybe..since you have a connection to him and so many things in common - different from your husband you equate that as love. And it is nice when someone take the time to care about you. It's flattering. But as you know, there are many different kinds of love. Think the big thing that should be your top priority (and it's not another relationship) it is dealing with YOU and your depression. Get that taken care of..now. Go and get the help you need and deserve so you can be genuinely, authentically and sincerely happy and healthy. Then evaluate your marriage to your husband. He sounds like a bit of a bully. Maybe it has run its course. You were together initially for a reason, but you are different people now..does it still work. I think that people do give up on marriage too quick these days. But there are people who stay in marriages that no longer support one another..so only the two of you would know what is best. But should you divorce, don't jump into another relationship immediately..you need deal with things one thing at a time.

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