To blame

To wishing i'd never been born. That had i not been born events in others peoples life that i interacted with would be different, i don't know if they'd be any better or worse but i know that by removing my interaction with them that they would be different.
I know i am to blame for me and my wife being broke, for the marriage problems we've got, for the miscarriage of our son, the heartache i caused her, her univesity education not happening, not beiing there when she needed me, for the small circle of friends we have, for the friends we do have not coming round so much.
I freely admit to being an a******, that i've used bullshit to cover up my failings and inadenquacy in life and others have suffered because of it.
Truly i was an accident, middle aged parents, who'd already had a large family. I dodged the bullet on being aborted or getting downs but i got hit with s*** and it's stuck with me.
I should be an alcoholic loser but i hate drinking, can't stand drugs.
Yeah if i had the b**** i'd leave my wife and know she'd be better off. Might just grow them real quick and know it's one good thing and disappear somwhere quiet and not bother anyone, no one will miss me. Sure you'll say self serving crap, feel sorry for me but f*** off. Time i was honest with me. about me, and yeah i don't deserve s***.

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  • It may be that you and your wife need to see -- or at least would benefit from seeing -- a family therapist or counselor, but before you do that, YOU need to go on your own for awhile to try to get a clearer picture of who you are, what you are, and the value you have. I could sit here and itemize the negative things you've said about yourself that are wrong, but I think you already know they're wrong, even if you only know that subconsciously. But in any event, please do get yourself some professional help, just to clear your vision of yourself. Even a few sessions would be of benefit, and if money is an issue, search for free services via a social worker or some clearinghouse. Please don't continue with the self-image you've been carrying around. You have a greater value than you think.

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