End of long sadness and sorrow...?

Ok, there's a thing, which is making me feel weird. It's neither bad feeling, nor good, either. I'm kinda normal person. I have quite decent job, cool hobby which also will grant me some money, social life, etc. But there's also a dark side. Deep inside I'm really lonely. When I was younger, my girlfriend, who was also rape victim (it has happened before we met), died in a car accident. Because of my loveless childhood I wanted to give her love that I never received. After 2 years together we wanted to be together for the rest of our lives. After she passed away I was suffering depression. After a year I've met someone who showed me that there are plenty reasons to live for. I've fallen in love despite of being extremly insecured and scared. We were meeting almost like we were a couple. Once we were kissing for about six hours. After a brief time of not seeing each other we met again. We were holding hands, she was flirty. During a party I wanted to confess my feelings towards her. It happened that her boyfriend was also there. I didn't know she has one... I felt unloved and unimportant, not deserving any happinnes. After 2 years I've began dating with my friend. During halloween party she got drunk and stoned with some guy and french kissed him. I didn't back off. We were still meeting. 2 weeks later i kissed her. She kissed back and we were not drunk. Later she started ignoring me. Some one told me that she slept with that guy few days erlier. She apologized me year afer that. She just said that she acted like a moron. Well next I've met drugs abuser. At the beggining I didn't knew about her problem. In her case it was mostly mj, but it really wasn't just recreational. She was toxic and after a year I had to break this madness. Then I started dating a girl with bipolar disorder. I really loved her. I knew about her problem before, but I tried to believed that love is the cure. Obviously it wasn't. After a year she got her manic state back and she dumped me all of a sudden. Her friend told me that she made account on a dating site. My black dog came back. I was unable to do anything for few months. Eventually I got better. But this time i felt like some unlovable monster. I didn't want to meet anyone. Next months made me get used to this kind of thoughts. I liked being single. And then I met this girl. We started chatting via internet. We had so much in common. Not only taste of music or a political/ religious beliefs. She is somehow very simmilar to me. I've never met someone like her in my whole life. We started dating, and we both knew what's going on. She told me her story and that she's afraid of relationships. She is rejecting everyone. But I managed to meet her every week. Now we even met 2 times in a short period of time. I had a lot of fears. I confronted most of them and now, after all these years I feel better. I realised that I was broken. I've changed thanks to my feelings. Still, I'm afraid of being rejected or that she'll suddenly dissapear from my life. I probably need more time to remove all my fears. But I'm trying my best. Without overtrying because she is also scared and insecure. I'm not even sure why I confess all of this. Beats me. Maybe it will lessen the stress somehow... This is really stressfull sometimes because this relationship requires few days of break of communication. And my previous toxic relationships had thaught me, that silence means nothing good. I just need to realize, that this different... I hope so.

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  • I read your narration with deep sense of empathy. A lot of folks have had enough confusion from a "confused world" to last for a life time! Lack of "personal identity" can bore oneself sick even to having suicide thoughts . Have I once considered suicide in my life? Yes .. . and indeed, many folks you see that walk the streets are full of challenges and pains that were inflicted or innate. In my own case, in my teens , I thought I will not be able to achieve anything because I was abused as a child (this is usually a trigger), lived in a home that always felt like an explosive device was about to ignite. I struggled with these feelings and tried to fill the void via alcohol and "street smokes". I found fake boldness that was transient. I envied and wanted to be like others.

    Well, I am an adult now, well educated, employed, married, had kids, drug/alcohol/smoke free, and really free from all my demons. How? Yes, I know that this will be the question in your heart. It sounded foolish and dreamlike but it was real. Someone gave me a copy of "New Testament and Psalms and proverbs"; a little blue covered book which could fit into my pocket. I began to read it from "The Gospel of John" (REALLY one can google it online and read) like he advised me. I love reading and it made sense. Well, I may not be able to tell you all that happened to me but I discovered that as I read it daily, I began to be attracted to and talk to the main character in the story; Jesus and it seemed like and old self of mine was dropping off daily. At some point , I was shocked when I was out with my friends and realized that I hadn't touched alcohol in the past 2 weeks! That was strange. And the stranger thing was that alcohol lost its appeal to me. In fact, it disgusted me. My friends told me that they will "give me just three months" and I will drink myself to stupor like before. well it has been years and I keep getting better; more pleasant than the person I ever tried to be.

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