Cannot fake love(tired of lying to myself)
... That I cannot love my family anymore for the reasons that there has been hate throughout three generations.
I am only typing this out looking for advice, making myself feel better and overall bettering my health by suppressing anger.
My father remembered ever since he was a child that there was always fights, vendettas, arguments............basically HATE. More or less, being innocent and young, I have recognized this in our current generation by observing family members for the past seventeen years. I no longer talk to my sisters, aunts, cousins, nieces,and nephews because of what happened in the past that involved my brother and my father nearly killing each other due to my brother suffering from schizophrenia thus, making me a blacker sheep of the family therefore, I may seek and hurt someone. I rarely have fantasies upon hurting any human being for, I am proud to admit that I am a Pagan that shows regard to love one another.
Other factors why-
1. My mother is Japanese and it freaked my fathers side of the family (My family comes from a different generation... racially biased).
2. possible religion clashing Christianity versus Paganism ( I hide it well).
3. I have gay and lesbian friends however, I am straight.
4. I never instigated toward them yet, vice versa.
5. Whenever there is a confrontation, my father will try to mend the family together between both family members yet, stories change and more blame gets pointed with lies. (I have seen it and lived through it).
I am looking for advice.... its slowly eating at me.