I Have Really Bad Trust Issues With my Parents, and Vice Versa
When I was younger, before I started cutting, I parents, I noticed, would lie to me. One time, when my aunt and uncle were getting divorced. They didn't tell me, but I knew, and one time, when I realized they were talking about it, I asked what they were talking about it. They told me it was nothing, but I knew it wasn't. They never really did tell me, or question how I knew. Several mixed signals like that happened.
Throughout the years, my cat and rabbit died, and my mom lost her baby. They were wrapped up in their own feelings, but I grieved properly. I eventually started cutting for no reason at all. It felt great and had nothing to do with grieving. I even looked up stuff that could scientifically explain it because I don't want to die. I found something that said some kids that self-harm that don't want to die usually have less Endorphins than I should have, and I know bleeding releases Endorphins, but I don't know if that is it either.
To get back on track, my parents found out because I took pictures of the cutting on my phone, and they looked through it. They suddenly told me to keep my door open all the time, the only time I can is when my brother comes over and I stay up with him until after my parents have gone to bed.
I have had deeper conversations with comfort with my friends and brother than my parents. My mom recently tried to talk to me about why I didn't like camping. The truth is I like my time alone at night. I still play imaginary games and don't want others to see. I hate that my door is open and they can see in, but I don't know how to tell her I want my door closed.
During the conversation with her, I could tell she didn't like that I was stressed about camping, that she thought I would cut again. I just wanted to feel alone, because ever since the day they found out, I always feel watched. At the end of the conversation, the most nerve racking thing I had ever done, I went to bed and finally relaxed, but she came back in to talk, like I was going to cut, and to talk some more, and I instantly got stressed. She thought I was hiding something, but I wasn't. Now my parents are selling the camper because of me, and I wished I actually trusted my parents.