I feel all alone

I feel very depressed and neglected by my parents and friends. I have some sort of severe stress disorder. I feel myself being intellectually abused and forgotten by my friends. About a year ago I got baptized and turned my life over to Christ. I had believed in the supernatural after feeling many bizarre coincidences or "synchronicities" that were linked with my mind or energy. Several years ago I started experimenting with psychedelics (dmt 3 times, lsd two times). I felt like my mind was broken open and I had temporary access to some sort of spiritual realm or all connected loving energy. I started to get into different types of poetry, would travel the country write, open my mind to new possibilities, believing that anything has the potential to be possible. I felt myself buzzing with insight at times, filled with inspiration, unique ideas. I felt my self becoming a more charismatic person. There came a point when I became obsessed with a girl, the girl who had first introduced me to psychedelics and kinds of new age philosophies and writers like Terence McKenna. She had been really the most influential person in my life. She really had been the only person I could remember validating my thoughts and encouraging me to be happy following my own dreams and ambitions. I met her out of pure chance or coincidence. When I was 13, I saw a small photo of her by my locker on picture day with her name written on the back. She looked very pretty. I thought I'd give it to her if I saw her that day, and if not I would keep it. I never ended up meeting this girl for the next 8 years until I saw her while I was walking up the stairs to my apartment one night when I was in college. I instantly recognized her and was dumbfounded, speechless. It just so happened that my friend I was with had an English class with her in high school and knew her. It was a crazy coincidence. And we all became friends. She was the most fascinating person I had been around.

Now things are very awkward between us. We fell out of touch for a long time. Eventually I confessed my love to her, and she said she and her boyfriend had talks of getting engaged. All this was very hard to do. I felt like I was becoming psychotic. Feeling obsessed with her, and I couldn't get her out of my mind. I felt like there was some super spiritual connection with everything that was happening to me like some divine destiny.

It should be noted months prior I had been hospitalized thinking I had a stroke, and I asked anyone who was spiritual in my life or had faith in God to pray for me. After a dear family friend had prayed for me, I received a text from a relative that just had a sound wave bar and the numbers 1:11. I had no idea what it meant but I felt like some spirit or ghost or Christ consciousness had passed through me. I thought I had been healed and this was some supernatural message.
A few days before this hospitalization, I had received a message from a random lady on Facebook saying she beleived I was with the Lord. I had been posting new type of scientific and spiritual things on Facebook. And she said I had been helping people. Given how I was experiencing all sorts of bizarre coincidences, thoughts, indulging in new age type beliefs and shamanism, I was willing to beleive just about anything. I now believe I had been conned by some Nigerian scammer.

I feel incredibly embarrassed now and do not believe in any sort of supernatural God, or am at least am indefinitely agnostic to it. But this has taken a huge hit on my ego and self esteem. I cannot belief I could have been this scared and deluded. During all this time, I started to think I was illuminati, that I had a supernatural connection to the weather, that I was getting spiritual or supernatural messages from the TV or Facebook or radio. I thought I was becoming schizophrenic and eventually found myself flat out denying any of these coincidences. I began to lose faith in my own insights and intuition as well.
During all this mess I managed to persevere through these types of mental crisies and graduate from university, passing all my classes improving all my grades during finals time when I had straight Fs in all my classes.

To reward myself, I wanted to go to Nice Jazz Festival (even though the signs or spirits were telling me that God doesn't want me to go). In my darkest imagination I had feared some terrorist attack at the festival as the result for me not obeying God. On my way there out of pure coincidence there was a terrorist attack, a tragedy in Nice. I had enough. This was no God I believed in. 84 deaths and 202 people injured had nothing to do with some ** cosmic karma or woo woo philosophy. I had to start denying all my spiritual beliefs there and then before I dove into real schizophrenic territory.

I don't know what to say. My thinking had become deranged and deluded, I don't know how to communicate these kinds of psychological experiences to anybody. I really don't believe anyone not my friends or family really has the mental energy to slowly hear me out.

I still have strong faith in my self, have sound resolve, and am slowly rebuilding my mind at all costs. I am beginning to test reality, debunk myths, am journalizing. Hopefully, I am able to rebuild my relationships with my friends and get rid of any awkwardness or diffuse any tensions that are there. All I can say is that life goes on no matter what kind of headspace you are in. And stress and depression can be a real and severe thing, so speak up, expresss yourself, don't feel that you have to be stifled by any type of **.

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