I don't want things to get weird

I have a guy friend who I have been very close friends with for about 10 years, He was friends with my ex and when we split up 8 years ago me and him actually ended up staying friends and he doesn't hang out with my ex anymore, He is someone I consider one of my closest friends, he is definitely not gay but we have one of those relationships where I am absolutely comfortable around him, I can change in front of him and him in front of me, I have seen him naked and he has seen me and it has never been weird or awkward, He has been the guy I go to for a guys perspective if something looks good on me right down to swim suits or underwear and although I am sure it doesn't hurt his feelings to see me naked he has never even looked at me in a way that made me uncomfortable, We have even shared a bed probably 50 times and I have never woken up with him touching me in any way and always stayed on his side of the bed.
I have been with a few guys and he is always friendly and never showed any form of jealousy and he actually set me up with one guy and I have set him up with friends of mine, I have never had a sexual attraction to him and he has told me that he thinks of me as more of a sister type relationship than anything else with the exception of seeing me naked, We have talked about it and he told me that although he loves naked women he doesn't have sexual thoughts when he sees me naked.
OK...Now the problem, Me and him went out of town overnight to attend a concert together as we have done lots of times before, I have always booked one room and it has never even been a question, We just sleep in the same bed and it had never been an issue before, We got to town, Checked in, Showered, Got dressed, I stood in just my thong and brushed my teeth right beside him in his underwear brushing his and nothing, not an awkward look or moment, I got dressed, tried on three dresses with different bras while he patiently waited sitting in the chair and he didn't even look at me until I asked his opinion.
We went to the concert, Met a couple there and ended up drinking with them after, We drank quite a bit but no more than we ever have before, We went back to the hotel room and I was h****, I know I was but its not the first time that has ever happened either, I contemplated going for a shower but decided against it and got undressed to my thong, Put on a t-shirt and Crawled into bed, When he came out of the bathroom he crawled into bed in just his underwear as always, I laid there having trouble falling asleep which he apparently did not, I rolled over and he was sleeping, I eventually fell asleep but woke up a little while later and that's when it all fell apart, I had my right hand in his underwear, Instantly I started breathing heavy and I wanted to pull my hand away, I sooooo badly wanted to take my hand away but instead I started stroking him, He wasn't hard at all but started to get hard, He opened his eyes, Looked at me, Looked down then back at me, I stopped but as I held his junk he got hard, I made a conscious decision to go for it, I know it is totally my fault, I am the only reason it happened and if our relationship is ruined its my fault not his, I pretty much dove under the sheets and after that it was kind of a blur until the end, He told me he was about to finish and I told him to pull out, There was a bit of confusion at that point, I meant on my stomach, he thought something else and as he scrambled up my body I ended up with it in my mouth, Worst possible ending I could imagine to something that should have never happened, That is something I just don't normally do, I don't swallow but he was straddling my chest and there was no way it was going on my face which is what I think he thought was going to happen, It seemed like it was never ending and like it was the most ever, by the time he rolled off me I had already swallowed so I got out of bed and went to the bathroom.
I was brushing my teeth and he came in, Put his arms around me kissed my back and I wasn't so much freaked out at this point as just mostly confused, I rinsed my mouth, turned to face him and we made out, He carried me back to bed and had we had s** again TWICE...Yeah that's right, I wasn't smart enough to stop at once but did it again, Obviously he lasted a lot longer and at the time it was great, He of course knows which things I like touched or not, kissed or not and rubbed or not and where a finger is allowed but not other things because I have told him and I know what he likes because he has told me, I didn't want the same result as the last time so I let him finish inside which I'm not worried about but we fell asleep naked and spooning.
It was late morning when I woke up to him cupping my b**** and kissing my shoulder and I could feel his b**** poking me from behind, I looked over my shoulder and he kissed me, By this time I was pretty much sober, Realized my mistake but didn't know what to do, I got out of bed and went to shower, When I got out of the shower he kissed me and I knew I had to put a stop to it right then and there, I sat him down and we talked for a long time, I apologized because I know it was all my fault, He told me that he completely understood it was a mistake and that he wanted nothing more than to forget that it ever happened and go back to the way things were yesterday which is what I want, I don't want to date him, I don't want a relationship with him and I don't EVER want to have s** with him, I made it clear that I don't want a "F*** buddy" or a "Booty call", I want my friend and I don't know if we can get back to that, We did things that go beyond that knowledge one friend should ever have of each other and some of the things we said during s** I know are going to make it awkward to ever be naked in front of each other again, Especially since he likes dirty talk and I played along, Things friends should never say to each other.
It has been three days since we talked which is not normal and I need my friend back, Any advice would be helpful.
P.S. I don't need stupid man comments on this, thanks.

7 Comments

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  • It will never be the same you opened up something that can never be the same again I know it happened to me

  • Just move past it, the two of you seem close enough where you both understand what happened and you don't want it to happen again, just give each other some time, then jus call him up to hang out and chill like you normally do, don't let the event encompass your thoughts and emotions, move past it and eventually down the road it will just be something that happened, because things happen, the part that makes your friendship strong is that you two got through it

  • Things are already weird.

  • If this friendship is as strong as you say it is, it will survive this too. Just set the expectations for the friendship that you want and enforce them, and over time it will go back to how it was. If he is straight, he always looked at you the same way he does now, nothing has changed except for the fact that he knows what it's like to have s** with you rather than wondering.

  • Men don't have female friends. They either want to f*** you or they don't. If they don't, they will disappear from your life.

  • That's complete s***. I have plenty of female friends, more than male actually. Sure I'd lime to bed some of them, but there are plenty that I have no interest in sexually. Men and women can easily be platonic friends.

  • What's done is done. You can't go back and change it. You guys have talked about it sober. Now you have to continue your friendship. Call him up and go to dinner. If things feel awkward talk about it. You guys have been friends for too long, do not let it destroy your friendship.

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