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I've achieved everything but have never been so sad
Here I am. 3o-something years old, a physician with several prestigious medical directorships and a high paying hospital position. Residency is done, I have a beautiful fiancé, I'm healthy and good looking with great family and friends. On the surface it is the ideal situation. But, here I am. Writing on an anonymous confession board trying to figure out why I am so incredibly sad. I have no energy do anything, I have lost the connection I used to have to my fiancé, and my only real source of professional satisfaction is my paycheck. I actually hate being a doctor. I half ** it everyday and I feel terrible about it. This thing I spent the majority of my adult life so far trying to achieve bring me no enjoyment. I resent my patients for the time they take away from me. Time I would probably spend sleeping or getting drunk anyway. I buy expensive ** to self-Medicare with materialism but it doesn't work. It's all **. My relationship is unhealthy. I look forward to when she works so I don't have to have to be forced to do things I don't want to. The saddest part is that at this time last year there's was nothing I wouldn't have done for her. I cherished every second; now I honestly can't stand her. Her lack of intellectuality kills me, and he lack of independence disguistes me. I am supposed to be marrying this woman for ** sake, yet all I feel is contempt. God has given me everything and I feel so
** for not being more thankful. I know how blessed I am yet I can't muster an ounce of enthusiasm about anything. Christmas makes it worse because it
Makes me remember how this was my favorite time of year, but now I dread it
Because I have to do stuff, like decorate and go to parties. I would give anything to actually be the happy person people think I am. I know I am clinically depressed. But I am too apathetic to do anything about it. I simply don't care about anything.
It sounds like you're having a midlife crisis or slump. Do you believe you deserve to be happy? Because you absolutely do.
I'm 24 and work in the medical field as well. About a year ago I had just gotten married, and found out a month into it my then husband had been cheating on me for the last 4 years. I became apathetic, backed off grad school, and was very depressed. It takes a lot of courage to make big changes, especially because when you're "successful" you want to have the ideal everything, and don't want the world to know you have personal problems. Ultimately, I decided I deserved better and hit a reset button on my life.
I separated and got a divorce, jumped back into grad school, and am currently refinding myself. We constantly grow and change as people, but it sounds like you too have lost yourself and need to rediscover why you do what you do, or change it if it truly makes you unhappy.
If you need a friend to talk to, feel free to email me at jrock2048@hotmail.com
Here's your new goal to achieve: humility.
If you really had "several prestigious medical directorships" I would think that you should know how to type and form complete sentences. Please stop inventing your fictitious stories and get a life.
Spank her.
It is so ** empowering to put a girl over your knees and spank her. She will fight and feel violated and eventually she will submit. Then you roll her over and ** her.
My life got so much better when I decided ** it. I decided to spank my wife and made her wear short skirts and ** me off or have ** whenever I want it. So even though she's not happy she is at least obedient.
You have a small **
Pay it forward. Track down the poor down and out (see above) that is somehow dealing with paying doctors bills and having their electricity switched off. Secretly pay the doctor and pay a year of electricity bills for her. In advance. It's fun to do. Makes other happy. The weird thing is that when you do this your own life improves even though no one knows you did it.
Start with breaking up with your fiance. Stop self medicating, Stop buying toys an spending money - it's not going to bring you happiness. Volunteering could be a good idea. You need to find a connection with what you're doing, or come to terms with what you do for a living. Sometimes it's what you do outside of your job that gives you meaning. Not sure what your monthly bills look like (mortgage? insurance? loans..etc), but maybe look at that to see what you can get in order and then consider traveling the world for 6 months or whatever you can afford. Maybe it's a new goal you need to set for yourself. Consider training for a marathon or a triathalon. Go see a therapist and get on meds for your depression. Just do it. Pick up the phone and make an apppointment. Maybe do that, get your depression in check and then look at your life and make some decisions. You do care. It's just hard to see it.
For some people, once they achieve a goal (e.g., graduate college) the reality of the job is anticlimactic. The rush was in the pursuit of the goal, not attaining it.
I'd think about how you might be able to put your expertise to use in a way that works for you. Find something you like doing. Life is too short to work in a profession you don't like. I know doctors who review charts for insurance companies or work for pharmaceutical companies. They still make good money, and they don't have to be around patients all of the time. Something like that might be a compromise.
Go volunteer somewhere for Christmas or give free medical treatment based on need. You've got it all and it isn't that great, is it? I've been there before. Your life is just really starting.
Go to law school and become a medical attorney.