Torn between loyalty and independence

I've been with my fiancé for over 5 years now. Almost 2 years ago, we moved in together and in April, he proposed and I said yes.

But there's another guy (isn't there always?) who's been my best friend since before I even met my current fiancé. I've always found him attractive, but never thought I had a chance; he's very flirty, so I took his advances as him just flirting, harmlessly and meaninglessly, until the next pretty girl walked in the room.

Then, one night just a few months before my fiancé first asked me out, we kissed. He told me he'd wanted to for awhile, but I still passed it off as his hormones going nuts. With this in mind, I figured pursuing a relationship with him would end in disaster, and we'd lose our friendship, so we agreed to just stay friends. But things were awkward between us after that; for my part, he was pursuing a relationship with a girl I'd known since kindergarten, and neither liked nor trusted one bit.

Yet we continued to flirt, even after I began going out with my fiancé. He'll, not just flirt - we played Grope Tag. Guess how you play that? In my fiance's car, even on his couch with him sleeping next to us.

I figured nothing was ever coming of it anyway, so what did it matter? It was just us goofing around with each other. I never questioned my original assertion: I was just entertaining him until the Next Best Thing.

Then, a few months ago, he asked me why we never dated. Recently, I answered him - he never asked out. The conversation that followed shook the foundations of what I'd originally based my current relationship on: I had no chance with him, so I went out with the guy I knew I had one with.

And now my engagement is in the toilet, anyway; my fiance's proven himself to be nothing more than a large child sometimes, and expects me to give in to him. Yet I feel like I get nothing in return: the s** hasn't been as satisfying as it could be for awhile, and I feel like a housewife now because no matter how many times I ask/nag/yell at him that I will not pick up his socks, or his dishes, or wash the towels HE uses up, I just get a sigh or a groan of frustration. Sometimes, he does it begrudgingly, but I can feel the wall of our relationship cracking every time.

Even better, when we moved in together, we moved an hour away from our hometown, family, and friends. He works graveyard shift at a gas station most nights, so I don't see him often. We're both miserable in this situation, and want to move back closer to home. For awhile, I've been telling myself when we move back, things will get easier. But is really our location that's ruining us, or just us?

To top it all off, my fiancé LOVES to make plans for the future, which I'm cool with - to an extent. But now he keeps trying to rope me into situations I feel I have no say in. He wants to start a funeral home, but it has to family-owned in our state, so guess who would have to manage the place? He finds a house for sale, and immediately says I'll love it, we're checking it out this week. I could say this is because I'm a control freak, but really it's just because I'm more independent than he is. He was mostly raised by an overly-doting mother who spoiled the s*** out of him; I was raised in a broken family, so mostly raised myself. I've always found people who can't do things for themselves frustrating, but now that such a person is nearly the only one I have left, I feel like my *life* is for *him*. He would say otherwise - he doesn't care if I go out with friends, or am unexplainably absent from the house. But such things would've gotten him dumped right quick anyway; he never told me where he goes in life, so must I.

I'm so confused. Do I abandon a relationship I've out so much work into, or just keep giving it all till I have nothing left? Do I take a chance with my best friend, 5 years later? I WANT to, so badly. He has a habit of turning me on, and (subconsciously?) I return the favor. It makes feel dirty, and guilty. Yet, I still have the same worry; am I just entertaining him, for now?


But at this point, I don't care. I'd sleep with him the first moment we had alone, I confess, even if it led nowhere; I doubt it would ruin our friendship now; we've been too open with each other about everything else. I *know* it would ruin my relationship with my fiancé; his biggest fear is that I'll get bored of him. Now I have, but I can't stand to tell him and crush his spirit.

I started to look to astrology, hoping to find something like, "Give things due time, and they'll work out". Instead, I find no good news for my relationship, but far too much enticement when I matched mine and my friend's signs. It was, in fact, quite scary, saying mine and my friend's love can go unacknowledged for years - which it was - but that mine and my fiance's relationship is based only illusions (his perfected illusion of me, no doubt; that I will always be there to take care of him, that I will never leave him, that I am capable of returning such deep emotions I find I cannot understand).

I don't know what to do. I'm so confused. I want to go back in time and tell myself to just go for it, ask my friend out, it will be worth it. Instead, I took the cowardly path, and am paying for it dearly now.


  • newest
  • oldest
  • most replies
  • most popular
  • I agree with the 3rd commenter completely!! Honey, I've been married for 9 years and I've regretted it for the past 3 years. The only reason I am happy I married him is because I have the 3 most beautiful kids in the world with him. If it wasn't for them, I would wish I had never met my husband. I want to be with another man SO badly, but I can't because I'm married. You're not married yet. You are not stuck. Tell him you need a break. Don't necessarily break up with him completely. Just tell him you have some feelings you need to work out on your own before getting married. Then go talk to your friend and tell him how you feel. Then go be by yourself for a while. Once you've had time to think without all of the pressure, you can make a better and more clear headed decision. Don't rush into marriage just because you've already made the commitment. It's a life long commitment. Don't take it lightly.

  • He went to prison for child molesting.

  • would you cut out this immature s*** of your's with the constant child molesting comments? GOD. Get a f****** life you loser !

  • Reality and fantasy are two different things. Your best friend leaves his socks on the floor and doesn't pick up his dishes either, and you know that. If you are that unhappy in your current life then it is time to call a time-out. Find a cheap, temporary place to stay and cut off contact with both men for a while, you'll know when it is long enough. Give your mind, heart, and hormones a chance to clear, and then take a practical look at your life and your future. You may be surprised by which one peruses you, in the right way, and which one respects your need for time alone. Do it now before it is too late.

  • And P.S.
    If things don't work out with your best friend, don't be discouraged, because fate has it's way with our lives and if things are meant to be, they will be. Just have faith.

  • Well. I personally think that you should try to be with your best friend and break it off with your fiance. You are already leaning towards him rather than your fiance and if you stay with him, you'll be miserable because the one question will haunt you for the rest of your life 'what if i had given him one chance'. It's cliched, but life is way too short for us to settle and play safe or to just leave things as is because we're too afraid of something. Go for what your heart wants and thinks is best for you, even if it's risky. At least you can say that you tried, but if you didn't try, you'll always regret it. People shouldn't have to settle for less or just simply be content with their lives. I'm not saying that fairy tales exist and happily ever afters come true, i'm not saying that because reality is much better because it's real and if you keep trying, you can shoot for the moon and at least land among the stars. You can be happier than you sound now if you try. But keep in mind, that maybe you look to your best friend because he's everything that your fiance probably isn't. You are in a relationship with your fiance and not your best friend. So, from the inside looking out, your best friend looks to be amazing, but, he's just your friend. Things are different when you're in a relationship with someone and maybe he's not all that you thought he would be once you are his girlfriend. However, that's a chance you have to be willing to take in the name of love. I'm not saying to rid your fiance out of your life for good, but just tell him that you need time to think and be by yourself for awhile, to make sure that your choices are what you really want them to be. If he loves you, he'll understand. Because he should see it as - she wants to make sure of her heart so she won't hurt me and be in a loveless relationship. He'll be sad for a time, but if he loves you, he'll let you go. Once you stand on your own two feet and look at the big picture, maybe then you'll see the truth of what your heart needs. But, from the looks of it, i think you should be with your best friend. In my mind, they are the only ones that know you the best, that know you better than yourself and if he honestly makes you happy, if you want to see him face every morning and every night before you sleep, then you should go for it. People make mistakes all the time, but its never too late to fix them and just remember to always have hope. For the sunshine is only seen if you have the patience to wait through the rain. Good luck and may you find true happiness. Sincerely, Moonlight.

Account Login
Is this post inapropriate?
Is this comment inapropriate?
Delete this post?