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My Anger Scares Me - PTSD
I'm passive normally. I try to avoid conflict. I don't like to get angry. I become shaky, start getting a headache, and then I become violent. I've always had a bit of a temper, quite emotional as a kid. But the older I get the more worried I become about my uncontrollable anger. It became worse after I was attacked by my kids father years ago. I left him when I began to see signs he was a complete nut job. When I left him, he became physically abusive. I had the courage to leave before it became physical but he couldn't handle that. I always regretted that I never fought back. I was free, had moved on, went through all the legal stuff but the fear of him showing up to hurt me or my kid made me feel helpless. It was the not knowing when he was going to show up which left me angry. When he finally did, I couldn't fight back. I tried, I really did. But I couldn't.
Later, I took up boxing and kick boxing properly, but have never gotten rid of that anger surrounding the helplessness I felt. Now I'm on a short fuse. The slightest bit of confrontation, I go from nothing to all out war in no time at all. The slightest look or remark, or threat and the switch goes on. It's hulk like. I've unnecessarily gone up against people who were just being mean, but I inevitably escalated the situation rather than walking away because I didn't want to appear weak or feel disrespected ever again.
Truth is I wish I could fight my kid's dad. A real fight. In a ring. Knocking him senseless.
The only good thing to come out of this is that I readily stand up for people when I can, works with my empathy. Help where I can. My kid jokingly calls me crazy. But I know he's right. Being a mother calms me, but also fills me with worry for my lovely kid who has to navigate this big bad world full of big bad people. I feel like if anyone was to ever hurt my kid, I may be doing time for murder.
I got help working through it all, but have never really dealt with the anger.
I was beaten a lot, starting as an infant. You really have to address the basis of your anger, at the very bottom of it all. Figure out what it is. Then decide what you will do about it. Discipline is good, but it isn't an ultimate solution by itself.
I can relate to this. Don't listen to folks who are just working out their own stuff at the expense of other's feelings, i.e., the commenter who has 2 cars, a grand and some karate training. I wish you luck in your quest for peace.
I have two cars, 1k, and some karate training that says that your ex would beat you to a pulp in a ring fight. You can talk the talk buy you've never walked the walk.
Two cars, 1k and some karate training? Ha! Yeh sure you do **. I guarantee this chick can kick your **. Always the weak ones who chat the most **.