Screwed and stuck
I just got home from dropping off my 3 kids at school . Realized how much I hate my life .I love my kids but ,they are selfish and annoying .All they do is fight with each other ,and everyday they are out of my control , because I only see them 50% of the time .Some stupid doctor tried to tell me it's quality time not quantity...,bullshit! Life gets in the way trying to clean , organize for next day bullshit kids homework ,store trips .I have three kids and I had kids to give them a good life not this nightmare it turned into.Me and kids father divorced , and before he was my shining armor,but now he's my nightmare! He does everything to make things impossible to co -parent.He calls me an idiot all the time . I feel like I divorced but it has made things worst nothing has gotten better by leaving him ,because I still have to deal with him due to kids .I feel mentally and verbally battered by him like when we where and everyday I feel more and more tired .Im coming to find myself hating my kids because I'm having to be a good mom and deal with the situation ...you know what bullshit people say , look at the good things in life not bad . Truly all is bad ! I moved on with someone else to move on with my life and got married . Worst mistake ! He has kicked me out of house previously and has been an ass due to his ADHD but I'm sure some of it is just him being an ass!!!!we have our own issues that I would have left him long ago and put up with the treatment ,but can't leave !!!! No family to help and no job due to ex-husband not paying half childcare cost or helping with my schedule to be able to work ...someone has to pick up kids during my custodial time .I can't afford childcare ....it evens out better to just stay home and not work.Due to my depression I started drinking . Now I figured out how to make my life worst ! I got a 2nd dui .The first one was due to sobbing about my first divorce like an idiot .The second was because wanting to escape from daily life and enjoying time with an old school friend .I take full on responsibility of not making a good choice and getting drunk . But ,had planned husband driving I wasn't getting behind wheel ... he was stubborn to drive home that night and be with a drunk (me ) for 2 hours on road ....instead of getting a hotel room.That caused an argument on the road because my friend offered us to stay night .The argument caused him pull over at gas station .I was in and out on my blackouts but I remember him saying fff***ck this I'm leaving and catching a uber ride home I don't need to put up with this s*** ! He left keys on egnition And walked away upset .I reacted and screamed s**** you !!! (All drunk )Got on driver side and that's when I blacked out again .Apperantly , I tried to drive and swerved to hit the gas station .Didn't get too far drunk . Now I face a life with no true opportunity to a great job due to my driving record and now I really can't leave my relationship (marriage ) I find myself a woman with three kids and have no control off them due to our schedule . Cant enroll kids into extracurricular activities due to ex husband being verbally abusing and ignores my request and only worries about taking me back to court to lower child support . Soon he might get away with it all in regards to child support due to him being a business owner and I will loose my kids anyhow due to financial struggles .Im starting to think I should just give kids to him at least my kids will be in one home and possibly start extracurricular activities because I'm not in picture and kids father is happier not paying child support . And I can eventually work at some stupid Starbucks job or minimum wage job only to make enough to eat and have roof over my head and rent a room and try to go to school ...I'm aware I need to try my best to stop drinking but feeling how I feel in this life picture I only want to drink more ! That's why I think I should maybe just give him kids and forget being a mom because he has money and has power and family support . All the things I don't have . Soon I will find out my faith with this DUI. Just buying time now living here .