I don't know if my stepson is mentally incapacitated or just lazy

I have been with my man for 10 years. First as friends, them in a full blown relationship. I have a daughter who is 5 years younger than his son. When she was 2 and he was 7, he would insistently say, "my mommy" just to get a rise out of her. I felt bad for him because his mother is a POS and was never around unless there was a financial gain to having him such as telling the state she had to support him and needed money (she only ever had him for a week or 2 a year.
His father was amazing (too much of a helicopter/protective dad in my opinion) and would do everything for him. I was more of a let them fall and point out why it happened when cleaning them off kind of mom. Dad wouldn't let me be that way with him as "he's sensitive because of his mom. You can't tell him that his mom did bad things cause it will hurt him."
I couldn't handle not only being put last in line, but also having to adjust my daughter's schedule to be there and supportive for his son who never wanted or had to do, anything that he didn't want to cause dad would just adjust his life to make son happy. So I moved away to better myself and make life better for my daughter. We stayed friends, just didn't spend time together for several years.
Fast forward 8 years. I was in a bad situation and alone with no family. My friend stepped up to help me out and my daughter and me moved in to his small place with him and his son. Together we purchased a home in less than 1 year. A significant portion was money I saved was the down payment. I had one rule that everyone had to follow for the new house. NO FOOD IN TH E BEDROOMS. Mainly due to the fact that both children could not put their garbage away from snacks.
My daughter complied and has so for the last 2 years. But the boy, then 18 stated it was a stupid rule and he didn't need to follow it. Since moving in he has left protein shakes under his bed ruining the containers and creating a foul odor in the house, spilled Coke on the walls and carpet, spilled milk on the carpet, spilled crackers in his drawers, and the list goes on. He has also stolen money from myself and his dad, but we can't PROVE it was stolen in the eyes of his father and not just incorrectly counted. By the way, I have kept balanced accounts and tills for the last 20 years and never been off.
He moved away to live with mom, which was a bitter sweet day, but now he's back.
Says stupid s*** like rape is not real, history is not important because it has nothing to do with technology or music, he doesn't need to know anything that doesn't interest him, he doesn't need a part-time job just full-time so he can move out and refused to accept part-time even though he has never had any job for more than 2 months so none will hire him full-time.
I love my man, and I can't stand his son. I can't talk to the ooy because anything I say, my daughter has to explain to him. If I ask him to clarify anything he says that makes no sense (like the Marines are in Iraq fighting the Japanese to make sure the N***'s don't take over.) he gets mad and tells his dad I act like he's stupid. (His grandmother says I'm extremely patient and should be a preschool/kindergarten teacher, so I know I over simplify to not make him look stupid.) Anything me and his father try to help with, like why you should know when you sell something you should have more money than the change you started with, or how good it feels to support yourself, he ignores because "it doesn't effect my music or acting career." (he doesn't know anything about music beyond listening to 1 song for months to figure out how to play it. My daughter has even tried to teach him how to read music so he can play anything and he says he doesn't need to know that to create.)
I want him to move out and I want him gone now! but I don't know how to just put someone else's child on the street who is incapable of taking care of himself.

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  • What's his father doing about it? The boy isn't your son. Yet, you seem like you're suffering alone with him. Doesn't his father care for him or something?

    I would never put myself in this situation - I don't even want children of my own, never mind taking care of other people's children.

    I feel it for you. It's a horrible predicament to be in :(

  • Can't go back in time to change things, but you can set some thing in motion now. You and your husband can make things a bit more difficult for him. If he's not in school, he needs to be working and paying some sort of rent and doing chores around the house. Give him a 30 day or 60 day notice that thing are going to get a little tougher and he's going to have to grow up and learn responsibility. Put a lock on his door. He wants his things and bed, he needs to pay rent. Take anything you are paying for away from him..cell, car etc. Stop enabling him. He will never learn, if you continue to do. Yes, his mom not being in his life when he was young is terrible and it surely left some scars on him. And even now.. but sounds like his father never demanded anything of him and so that is true today. But as a couple, you both have to be on the same page and be firm in how to handle this situation..or he will never find the motivation to launch his life on his own.

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