Stuck and Selfish
I feel stuck. My boyfriend seems to struggle heavily with depression (something I've been skeptical of for some time now), and I think he's beginning to realize it. We've been dating for 2 years now, and there have been more lows than highs. It doesn't help that it is long distance.
I don't mind being there for him... I just don't know how healthy it is anymore. It feels like I'm the only one keeping him from falling completely, and whenever I get annoyed by something, or need to take a breather, he falls in the deep end. We don't have normal "fights" that are over by the end of the day, they usually last 2-5 days because I have to chase him around, understand him when he barely gives me anything, and then evolve myself to not get bothered by anything he does anymore.
There's a lot of pressure to be the light to his darkness, especially when I struggle with some darkness of my own.
I can't help wondering if this is how it will be forever. Me, supporting him constantly no matter what I'm going through.
Since I know how it is to be depressed, I feel selfish for thinking this way. There were people who put up with me during my depression who didn't have to. Is it wrong to feel a sort of hopelessness in this situation and want to escape it for a while?
As disciplined as I am, I do find myself dreaming -- literally, sleeping and having DREAMS -- of other people to be with. People who are healthy that have their s*** together. People I can just... honestly, relax with instead of thinking about every move I do or make. I just want something... not necessarily easy, just not so HEAVY.
I don't want to leave him though. I don't know if it's because I feel obligated, if I truly still love him, or if I'm just afraid of not finding someone else like him. I definitely don't want to abandon him when he needs me most.
Selfish and stuck. Searching for validation as most of us do because god forbid we don't do the "right" thing... Perhaps if I own it I can move on.