I'm addicted to eating, and I can't stop

I used to be a slim “normal” girl, but now I’m nearing 600lbs

Several years ago when I was at University I met another girl and something seemed to kick off between us. Up until this point I had never questioned my sexuality, but having just split up with my boyfriend (he went to a different uni, so a distance thing…) I somehow ended up exploring this side of myself. Needless to say, we ended up as a couple and things started going great. Sometime after we started being sexual, she confessed to me that she thought larger women were sexy (we had just got back from a Holiday to Greece and I had put on a couple of extra pounds), at first it kind of took me by shock, but at the same time, what girl wouldn’t love being with someone who didn’t care if they gained a few pounds accidently? I mean after all… it’s the dream to not have to worry about what we eat right?

Anyway, after this I changed my behaviour a bit, I stopped caring about what I ate as much, and indulged more, and my girlfriend would also be there to encourage me to eat a little more, or she’d bring extra treats for studying etc. At first I didn’t really care about my weight that much, I knew I was gaining it, but it was more for her than me, I didn’t ever think much of it. It started with the harmless couple of extra portions, more cookies, the odd pound or two gained, but soon it became sexual, and she made it that s** and food kind of became one thing…. Anyway, to stop this getting to long, I ballooned up, and by the end of my 4 years of University, I had put on over 200lbs… going from 130-something lbs to over 350 at my graduation.
I don’t think even then I realised how dramatic of a change that was, all I knew was that I had this crazy amazing woman who loved every inch of me, and I had become addicted to her, and food… and everything that came with it. We moved in together after Uni and my weight continued to balloon, at first not too fast as we both got jobs etc, but then slowly as I crept over 400+lbs I lost my job. Instead of getting another she encouraged me to take some time, maybe look at stuff I could work at home, basically losing my job and staying at home accelerated things dramatically.

Needless to say, I didn’t find a job, and instead I…or..she? she made me stupidly lazy and I just spent most days stuffing my face on the couch. I basically eat non-stop throughout the day, and she encourages it. Sometimes she’ll order me food from work which will arrive at lunch time, and she’ll always bring back McDonalds or KFC on the way home each night. I’ve become so addicted to food, it’s basically my entire life, and I’m so dependent on it.

So now I’m here, in the 500-600lb region in my late 20s. Just walking around my house, getting up from the sofa, etc is exhausting. And I’m majorly conflicted… on one hand, I’ve become so addicted to food, and just not having to do anything that part of me in content… but on the other I’m quite scared of how far I’ve let myself go… I’m very dependent on my girlfriend, and I’m not even in my 30’s… I honestly don’t feel I have the willpower to stop myself from eating. When I’ve voiced my concerns to my girlfriend and said I want to try and lose a bit of weight, or change our lifestyle a little, she just teases me and tells me how hopeless I’d be at that… If I try to make any attempt to eat less she just sabotages it by surrounding me with all my favourite foods, and all it does if anything is make me eat more for the next week or so, making me gain more… My girlfriend is still as fit as the day we met, one of my thighs is bigger than her waist and my upper arm is bigger than the size of her thigh…

I feel lost, I’m addicted to food and my girlfriend keeps buying and feeding me as much as I can possibly want… but I’m scared what’s going to happen if I keep living like I am… where will it stop? Any attempt I make to try and cut down she sabotages it and manipulates me to eat more. Is this abusive behaviour? I just feel really lonely as I kind of only have her in my life now. My family hate how I’ve let myself go, and the fact I’m in a lesbian relationship, so we don’t talk much, and I don’t really get out anymore because I’m so unfit and quite large.

Sorry this is so long. I’ve never wrote about this before, so it probably sounds disjointed or weird.

15 Comments

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  • Got any updates? I hope that you're okay

  • Can you give us an update? I hope you were able to find the help you needed. If so, can you recommend a support group that worked for you? I am in a similar situation. My gains only have me over 300lbs but I told my feeder that I don’t wish to gain anymore but her reaction is the same. She teases and manipulated me into eating more plus she has saddled me with a pretty severe addiction which right now I feel helpless against. Any advice you can provide would be appreciated.

  • Hope you're doing okay and have managed to convince her to stop or have gotten away

  • This reads like feeder/feedee fan fiction. I call bullshit.

  • To be honest, you're already so fat that it would be almost impossible to get down to a normal weight without an incredible amount of work and determination, which you clearly don't seem to have. If you're conflicted about it and not totally committed to changing your lifestyle, you will only continue to gain. You may yo-yo a bit, but will always end up even heavier than before. Your mobility is already being impacted by your extreme level of obesity and will only get more limited as you continue to grow. You will be bed-bound and too fat to care for yourself and it will happen much sooner than you think. You must either commit to changing your life now and accept the struggle of restricting your food intake and trying to exercise at your immense weight in the hope that you can get down to a more manageable, but still probably very fat, size or you can give in and enjoy the ride. Nobody gets as massively fat as you without being completely addicted to food and and incredibly lazy. You love laying around and stuffing your fat face and you know that as you get closer to and eventually pass 600, 650, 700 pounds, that is all that will be expected of you. Why worry about changing yourself to fit into a more complicated and difficult life. All you have to do now is eat.

  • What would you like to do in a perfect world ? what do you want to do about it ? if you want to talk more in depth ask for my information
    best of luck
    thanks

  • The question is are you happy?

  • Well, you stopped eating long enough to type your confession, didn't you !

  • (Part 1 because of the character limit)

    I'm sorry, but the part where she's manipulating and sabotaging you is abusive. You've put your finger on it. It's great to have someone who loves you fat and doesn't mind taking care of you if you want, but if you want a change and she puts you down and tries to control you through your addiction, that's abuse.

    The good news is that there will be other people who find you attractive. Due to our society's f***** up attitudes toward body images, they're more rare than they should be, but look up "fat admirer." Many of them have healthy attitudes toward fat women and do not try to control them to the point where they're afraid for their health.

    The other good news is that if you're isolated but you have internet access, you can cut down on your isolation a little that way, maybe find a support group.

    Breaking an addiction is never easy, and "just do it" works about as well for a food addiction as alcohol (never mind, some ignorant people think it works for alcohol), but it can be done. My advice would be to start small, figure out what the easiest first step for you would be, and try to build on it. And be forgiving of your backslides; progress is never linear.

    If she makes cutting down on your food hard, maybe look for easier first steps. Exercise might be hard, but maybe connecting with more people, either online or in real life, could be easier. Talk to other people who've been through what you're going through. Look for people who like fat women (either romantically or just friends, depending on what you're looking for) and won't put them down. Find people who understand addiction. See if you can find a way of being less lonely.

    Maybe research addictions and learn more about breaking them intelligently and effectively, without expecting yourself to do it through sheer willpower (relying on willpower usually results in a vicious cycle of giving into your addiction, feeling bad, giving in more, feeling worse, etc.).

  • (Part 2)

    Depending on your relationship with your girlfriend, maybe try to figure out why she's doing what she's doing. Is she afraid of losing you if you become conventionally attractive and more independent? She might have self-esteem issues. Maybe the two of you can figure out a relationship that keeps the parts you both like (like maybe a maintenance diet that includes your favorite foods and a little more exercise) without the scary parts. If she's not open to change, I promise there are people who will like you no matter what weight you're at, and people who will support your life goals.

    These are just some ideas, you need to figure out what works for you. The most important thing is to believe that you do deserve better, and that you can do better, both relationship-wise and health-wise, without giving up everything you love. I hope you keep us updated and let us know how it's going.

    Above all, be kind to yourself. You're not hopeless.

  • You can lose the weight you just gotta try.

  • That is insanely unhealthy at that rate you'll die when you turn thirty. Break up with her lose weight and get healthy before you die a fat blob.

  • I know :(, but it’s a lot easier said than done. I absolutely love food, and I wouldn't even know how to begin. Plus, I’m so fat that if I broke up with her I don’t think anyone else would find me attractive in the state I am. It’s so easy to just sit around all day and eat, the thought of having to put effort into something scares me.

  • You can lose weight get a job reconnect with your family, but she is unhealthy for you, she wants you to die a fat unattractive slob. Just break up with her it's the right thing to do.

  • Just eat and become a helpless slob,

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