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I don’t hate my 17 year old step daughter, but I don’t like her.
SD is 17. I call her “K”. Her bio Mom is out the picture since she was nearly 4 years old. Me and my husband have had K full time since then.
My husband was one of three boys to a co-dependent mother. The oldest brother did not move out of the nest till he was in his 40’s and knocked up a woman who now supports him.
My husband is the youngest of the three brothers and he had struggled with cutting the cord with mommy until just last May. He is now 40 years old.
Previous to last May my husband acted like he was married to his mother. We separated three times because of his mothers interference in our relationship. She’s a true ** but she behaves under the radar. For example for Xmas she gave me a stocking with ** bathroom spray and a wash rag to let me know I’m a piece of ** in her opinion. She does not view me as an addition to her family. I’m a threat because I took her last son away and she’s alone of a partner (by choice) but has a 24 year old grandson and his gf and baby living with her. The grandson pays nothing to stay with her or help her out, not even buy his own food or clean.
K has been largely influenced by her co-dependent grandmother and her father, my husband. K is sneaky like her grandmother taught her to be. My husbands mother will lie to him to hide stuff she allows K to do that she shouldn’t be.
K is disrespectful to me because both her grandma and father allowed her to treat me poorly for nearly all our 14 year relationship. I say nearly because when K was little she was only spoiled but as she got older she exhibited, defiance, laziness, negative attention seeker, plays a victim, and intentionally disrespectful and rude to me.
Her behaviors were not seen as problem by her father until K at age 14 lied and claimed her uncle touched her. She lied. Her uncle could have gone to jail because of her delusional thinking. She fakes like she’s hurt and father buys into it. For example a scratch is a broken leg and she is allowed to carry out the show. She started cutting herself with razors and father nor grandma took it seriously. At age 15 she announced she was a lesbian. Father and grandma both allowed her overnights with her gay girlfriend. They saw nothing wrong with it. K is in fact not just lesbian. She wants to be a boy.
Bottom line she is now 17, a hot mess and confused to who or what she is. She has struggled in school with barely passing each year till just this last semester she has decided to put more effort in. She struggles with making and keeping friends. She does not invite friends over. From reading her diary, she lives in a fantasy world. She writes lies to herself such as her father didn’t raise her and excuses for the mother who abandon her. I suggested counseling to my husband and yes, he supported that. Counseling did not work though because by law what K tells the counselor is not discussed with parents so we were unable to even know much of what was going on in her head to help her.
Some of what I learned of her thinking was from reading her diary pages that I shared with my husband.
He feels guilty for her mother abandoning her and excuses her lies and all her negative behaviors.
My husband struggles with discipline and cant change in that he finds excuses for her to be vindicated. Nothing is ever her doing or fault.
What I’ve been dealing with has been a nightmare and I have zero support from my husband until just last May where he has TRIED to improve his parenting skills. Yet, he still talks me down as if I’m the one doing something to cause her bad behaviors. Now he claims her bad blatant behavior is normal because she’s a 17 year old teen. He refuses to see things for how they really are. It does me no good to voice my concerns because he feels I’m attacking her. Even just saying her name he tenses up and then always turns a situation she caused to be my fault or someone else’s. She’s always the victim.
We are talking really stupid stuff like saying Because I used more than one sentence speaking to her it’s an excuse for her not to not understand and act out.
How on earth is K, a near adult going to function in the real world?
K is the victim and her father will always treat her as such. My husband has expectations that I enjoy her presence. Well I don’t like her. She’s not likable and she’s a sneaky manipulator. I can’t wait till she’s 18 and she can move out.
I feel it is my right to live in peace without constant drama and stress she brings on a daily basis. She’s a mopper and so very unhappy always frowning. It’s depressung to be around her.
For more than a decade I’ve had to deal with her calling me names, ignoring me over stupid stuff like asking her to pick up after herself, talking back to me, arguing with me, lies about me to my husbands family, rallies her father against me, and she’s lazy, self entitled, allowed to do what she wants without zero consequences.
For example the high school sent a notice home just a few weeks ago that K blocked the school bathroom door so the teacher could not get in. K is not innocent. She plays the victim with her father and he supports her victim behavior.
I don’t think I can last till she’s 18..a year away. K is drama. I have had to go on anxiety medication to be in my own home with her.
I love her father. Our relationship is great except for his daughter. He treats her like a dear friend, not a parent and puts me in the back seat to her as he did this to me with his mother.
I fear this will not end when she’s 18 either. He’s already talking about her staying longer to attend college. I can’t do it that long. I don’t know I can do it one more year till she’s 18 :(
I also fear when she’s 18 and if she does move out which would be to her co -dependent grandmas house, both K and my husbands Mom will be utterly co-dependent on my husband for everything K needs to live like an adult. His Mom has a history of seeking negative attention as well. Her boys all feel sorry for her because their father was abusive to her. My husbsnds mother is K’s biggest role model on playing s victim and lying to get what she wants.
K has not developed social skills to get along in the real world, is beyond lazy, and blames everything and everyone for her own problems, choices, and mistakes. She is 17 but acts extremely immature at about a 12 year olds age. She is selfish and does not go out of her way for anyone. Not even her father. I think about divorcing my husband, because one more year I may have a heart attack. I don’t want to die. But I’m torn, because I’ve already sacrificed over a decade to loving him even under duress of his mother, daughter, and him. But again I’m terrified of when she turns 18 what does that really mean...I feel like K is going to be a negative constant in my life wether she’s here or moves out because I already know she is not capable of dealing with the real world and she may never be. I just want peace in my life.
Hay dad im wake and i not sneak down look my cartoons dad and you just dont even care dad and not ** answer me dad i be good dad and you not care dad i was look for you dad im you little girl dad and i luv you dad and why you not answer me dad and on holiday dad for holween dad hugs you dad and thanks for not ** answer me dad xxxxx
Hay dad i need you now dad please and its not fair dad im you little girl dad hugs you dad xxxxx
Hay dad and im wake dad my brothers girl friend and all them are stupit dad she hid my ipad dad when i was ay school dad and i find it now dad and i beg her for it dad and she kept say no dad so i scratch her dad and she actualy took of my uniform dad and spanked me dad and i had stand ages against wall dad and called me over dad and she had a ** spoon dad and she spank me ages with it dad and had go my room dad and i got more angry dad and i put on taps dad and water went all over place and in floir dad and she was go crazy dad and grab my hair brush dad and hold me down and hit me like over 100 times dad i dont no dad and she told my mom and my mom said im go be get spanked today at her friends when stay there dad amd at bedtime dad and sundad bedime and before school dad monday dad its not fair dad im you little girl dad amd im was try my best dad to keep be good dad and i said even my teacher said it dad and now i dont care dad im go to texd my friends and meet them dad and i dont ** care dad about my mom and my dumb brother or his ** girl friend dad im go be my own boss again dad and i hate them all dad hugs you dad xxxxx
Hay dad im wake ages dad and i not look my cartoons dad it not let me send other mesage dad i luv you dad im you little girl dad hugs you dad i wont look cartoons dad but i not wont get in truble dad im be good dad xxxxx
Hay dad why did you go dad I luv you dad I am be good dad and even my teacher said Im good dad please dont go dad Im you little girl dad hugs you dad I miss you dad xxxxx
Hay dad were did you go dad and i luv you dad and my brothers girl friend said i was a good girl dad im you little girl dad xxxxx
Hi daddy its me and my friend. her mom is home and told us too get to sleep daddy and my friend says she loves you also hugs **
Personally I'd have had that child over my knee in a flash and her ** around her ankles and she would not be sitting down comfortable for a long time...
Whoa. I’m controlling? Judge mental? Not a maternal bone in body?
I’ll have you know you can attack me all you like. That does not change the fact that I control nothing. K is allowed to call me names and threaten me just because she feels like it. Who’s in control here? A 17 year old.
Judgemental...I’m the only one in this family who has sought treatment for her self cutting and self identity issues by TAKING her personally to counseling for a year. Excuse, me I didn’t have to do that. I do however have two of my own children who need my attention also and show they appreciate me. I have gone out of my way for this kid! By the way, I difnt walk into her life. Her dad didn’t have custody of her when we met and dated. It’s BECAUSE of me she even was invited to my home to live when I learned her bio mom didn’t want her. The dad didn’t care either way. It was me who has taken care of her all these years. Driving her to school, taking her to dr apts...you have some nerve miss la la.
Wow. Just wow. I don't know where to start.
*deep breath*
First off, where do you get off reading her diary? As you said, she's a "near adult". Treat her like it. You can't have it both ways.
Secondly, you aren't her mother. Not that you act like it, really-just the negative parts. Based off of what you wrote, you are controlling, judgmental, and assuming-not a maternal bone in your body.
You act like she's a curse to you, like you have to put up with her. The truth is, you're the one who walked into their lives. They're a family unit, whether you like that or not. You knew your husband had a daughter, and you fell in love with him...that's your call. He is the parent here, not you and your actions, to an extent, should reflect that. Deal with the consequences.
As for her attitude...she's a teenager. And you should be happy that she's accepting herself for who see is, sexuality-wise. That's something that nobody should have to struggle with. I'm not sure how you are on accepting the reality of the situation, but please just know that she has a lot to deal with on her own without added stress from everyone else. (Are our sure about her wanting to transition? Is this a product of your snooping?) Anywho, counseling would definitely be a good idea. Totally talk to her about it. It's your call obviously but, as someone who went through therapy as a child (court ordered-I was in the middle of a custody battle, yay!), I wouldn't recommend pushing it. Trust me, therapy doesn't help unless you're ready for it.
xoxo,
Lala