This doesn't make it better

I just killed my fourth. Some sort of poison this time. It was as easy as pie, felt almost like a bad period through all the Vicodin.
But I cried the night before, thought I was gonna lose my s*** and went walking out the front door as fast as I could, no destination. I ended up at the African Methodist Episcopal church. I’d never been inside in my life, but the Episcopal part seemed a teensy bit familiar, so those were the steps I settled on. I cried there, feelin real bad, and feelin like my life had just amounted to nothing. There was a homeless woman sleeping by the entrance. She didn’t notice me, nor did m(any?) of the cars driving by on the street. To be fair, I didn't ask after her affairs either.
Instead, I felt suddenly old, washed up, and empty. Killing (aborting sounds to clean and clinical for the facts of it all) this baby seemed just one more confirmation of the fact. Oh, I'd thought about keeping it. I'd had visions of neonates and sugarplums dancing all through my head, through my dreams for a few weeks prior. They wenr something like this: I’d keep my job. I'd miraculously get hired for next year despite my "condition." The boss would be surprisingly and pleasingly non-judgemental, and even I’d get a little paid maternity leave as a bonus.

*He* would count his lucky stars and gladly agree to moving in with me. (He said he loved me, right? Wasn't beeing supportive the logical conclusion of love?) He’d take care of the baby while I worked, and I’d leave plenty of freshly pumped breast milk in the freezer. Beautiful. It wouldn't matter that we couldn't sleep. We'd be tired, but happy. He could be as ambitionless as he pleased, because at the end of the day he’d still be a good, loving dad- the best he could. I knew and know that much to be true, regardless of the outcome. There would be laughter, and I would love that baby more than life itself. What’s a job? What’s money? What’s shame?
Apparently all I’m driven by…
I wanted that baby, but not enough. So weak, so driven by fear, always! Maybe she will be (would have been…) a lovely little girl. Smart, if a little neurotic. Nobody’s perfect. She would eclipse all the loss, all the meaninglessness, irresponsibility.
And yet, here I am. With nothing and no one. With a vague sense of drowning, no more.

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  • Why didn't you use protection? Contraceptive implant,injections and the pill? I suggest using them,from now on.It would be sensible and ideal to use them,for yourself and to prevent further unwanted conceptions.
    Also use condoms.The other alternatives alone,won't prevent sexual transmitted diseases,especially HIV.
    Be safe girl and stop emotionally/mentally hurting yourself.

  • I don't know your situation but it's obvious that you feel bad about the choice you’ve made and I don't blame you, nor am I going to judge you. Abortion is legal but some make it seem like it's a simple procedure and that it doesn’t affect your life in the least bit but it does. You lost your child, your child, as cliché as that sounds. It may take time but you can heal, maybe not fully, but you can recover.
    I know I may sound like a Christian extremist but please hear me out. I think you need to find God. He’s there always waiting with open arms to give you unconditional love no matter what you have done. You’re his child who is lost and he wants you to come home. All you have to do is accept him. He can fill a large part of that hole inside of you. Please just think about it. You’ll be in my prayers and I’m sorry for the sorrow you have felt.

  • The pressure of survival is nothing to be trifled with. Bring a baby into the world only when you KNOW you can take care of it. Until then, take care of yourself, and use 2 forms of b.c. There is no shame in being lonely or seeking of love. Nothing could be more human.

  • Don't be so h****** yourself..You made the right choice.You don't sound ready for a child.And trust me,fear,emptiness and meaninglessness cannot be eclipsed by nothing and no one if they were all part of you long before all this happened..You honestly sound depressed..Find someone to talk to and take care of yourself..

  • you want to be misserable, be misserable. you want to aviod abortion, use 2 forms of bc.

  • Abortion is perfectly legal.

  • you're a baby killer

  • F*****!!! Don't judge another person,until you walk a mile in their shoes!! Bare in mind,not all conceptions are born out of love! Some women and children conceive,as a result of abuse/rape.What must they do,keep the sporn of their abuser/rapist? I know this woman's story is different,but get of your high horse!!!!!!!!

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