My cousin

I wanted to make a confession about my now 5 year long history with my cousin Lizzy. My uncle's family came to my home country 5 years ago and at the time I was almost 16 and Lizzy was a few months short of 15, it was around August and our first meeting went pretty great I recognize she was really beautiful what really struck me was how much I liked talking with her and that we had a lot of things in common even though we weren't raised together.
That third encounter was at Lizzy’s grandparents farm-house some two hours from where I used to live and we talked from the early afternoon until 2 am almost nonstop, that was the first time in my life that I felt such a deep connection with someone. After that weekend we kind of became each other's best friends. We didn't see each other all the time given that she lives close to the capital which was some 5 hours from where I lived but each time we met it was like an event for us we hug, laugh, play and talk for what it felt to me both an instant and an eternity.
Some of the most memorable moments of those initial months occurred in her quinceañera. I was one of the knights, a great honor, and I have prepared a vessel of 15 roses for her. The sight of her expression of pure happiness the moment she received those roses will forever haunt me and the hug that proceed it filled me with an ecstasy of rejoice that it took a lot of willpower not to whisper in her ear that I loved her, the rest of the night was very fun full of jokes and laughter with our family and a lot of dancing almost exclusively with Lizzy.
It was New Year’s Eve and the family was reunited at the house of an aunt. One of the many guests was Lizzy and another of our cousins who we were both fond of and was our age. For some stupid reason I decided to tell her that I loved Lizzy. It was a terrible mistake she, out of malice or a false sense of righteousness, believed the best action to take was to tell her all about it right there and in front of me. For the rest of the night I couldn't bear to see Lizzy, not after witnessing the face of disappointment she made when our cousin whisper my secret, the shame that I had is indescribable.
I was heartbroken for a while, even cried myself to sleep every other day and everything. It wasn’t until a few weeks later that we met again in a family reunion and she acted as if nothing had happened; this made me feel super happy that we could rekindle our relationship again and that's what we did, but this time there wasn’t the same level of intimacy.
A few months went by and I asked her parents to stay some weeks at their house.That vacations felt very special for me as I was able to spent a great deal of time with Lizzy just talking, laughing, watching anime and movies together and going out by ourselves to the mall and such I even felt happy to be in her company doing nothing, just knowing she's next to me fills me with a peace that no other person made me feel. The day before my last day with her while we were cleaning the dishes I broke our silent about the incident and said “I'm glad that you still want to be good friends with me and that I'll always be with for you as a friend and cousin”. Lizzy replied, rather calmly, “I’m glad that you feel like that.” I cried that night like I never did before. I wish note to end this summer anecdote on a sad note so; my favorite moment with Lizzy that summer was on the first day. I gave her a giraffe puppet as a present, she likes teddy bears and such, for some reason we were in her room and we started playing with it in there it just felt right to be there with her. We were interrupted by her brother who told us the food was ready.
I stayed another year in our country and then of to the US, we saw each other before that sometimes but less frequently than before. It always included long hours of catching up and companionship that felt special to me. Lizzy was the only person I cried because of my departure; what happened is that the plane made multiple scales including one in the capital were I could say goodbye to my cousins at their house and sleep. It was very late and she was already long sleep so I had to wake her up to talk to her one last time for an unknown amount of time. I hugged her one last time and cried, I lied and told her I cried for my family and her but in reality I was crying just for her. She comforted me and told me that everything will be alright and that we could still be close friends.
It is only after 2 years 8 months I came back to our country. When we meet again she was really happy to see me and she looked just as gorgeous as I remembered her but I didn't let that affect me. What got me was talking to her again which made me realize how much we had matured since the last time and we were together both of us were very passionate about our careers. Lizzy is on medicine and I am in physics/mathematics and I respect and admire her so much for studying something I'll fail and so does she. There is a plethora of stuff that we end up liking together again and I could relate to her life and opinions very much; it was as if my feelings for her stayed in hibernation and matured for all those years. It may sound silly that I'm talking about emotional maturity in a confession of my cousin love but that was the catalysis of my new feelings for her. It wasn't until the next day when we went to the historical section of the capital for almost the whole day that I felt again that I loved her again, everything we did together felt like we were dating just talking about topics ranging from silly to our outlook on life, enjoying ourselves, eating together and such. It is like 5 years ago but different and more real perhaps it's that were no longer teenager's and I can better see how, if we weren't family, I could tried being with her.
That day I also was able to help Lizzy with an important phone interview that required her to speak English, I made a muck interview relating to medicine that was very useful for her. It made me glee with happiness when she got into the program thanks to the phone interview; her happiness is my happiness and her successes are hers alone but helping it's a reward for me. That day I noticed she was particularly happy while texting someone and I asked her who was it and she said it was her boyfriend it might sound ridiculous but I was shocked. She was complaining that almost everyone in her University where rich ** who didn't put the effort she does and were pretty mean to her because of her Spanish accent. I guess I didn't expect that one of them included a boyfriend. I asked her if I could meet him but she mentioned he couldn't but never elaborated upon why. This moment was a call back into reality for me; my cousin does not love me and is in a year and a half relationship with a Russian guy who studies with her, even if she really did love me it would be to selfish of me to enter a relationship with her in the beginning of her career interrupting it and she seems to be happy with a guy that almost definitely knows her better than me and can relate to her in ways that I can.
The next and final day of our 4 days together I ended up watching a movie Lizzy recommend while she slept in the couch, needed to rest before studying all night, when the movie ended it was my job to wake her up I must admit that just seeing her sleep mad me feel at peace. I made sure to wake up her not by touching her given that it would be immoral to do so given what I feel for her.
She was extremely tired and asked me some advices to stay awake I felt really glad that Lizzy seek my advice. My recommendation was for her to sleep for 45 minutes. Lizzy told me that she was very glad of the visit and the she felt sad that we lost some contact I asked her if she wanted me to stay with her in order to make sure she won't sleep I wasn't feeling sleepy anyways but she didn't want me to be sleepy because of my early travel tomorrow. I wished her a good night and good luck for her test.
I was so mad with myself that I forgot to put an alarm for early in the morning before Lizzy goes to her university and couldn't give my proper goodbyes to her. On the bus that I took to go back to the airport I couldn't stop thinking about her, of how much I thought I got over her, how wrong I was, that maybe It will take me decades to actually get over her given that after almost three years of barely talking to each other we have grown up to be persons so like one another that can rekindle their relationship so fast has to be special. Lizzy is the first person that I have loved maybe it's very immature of me to say this because I had few relationships that didn't last for very long so what do I really knew about being with someone. I know that if she were with me things will be different but for the moment love for her is what I feel and making her life as great as it can be me want I'm trying to do that's why I'm practicing talking in English with her every weekend and giving advice when she asks for it and many other things including being her good friend; that's why I can't properly fantasize about being with her because there is no scenario in which being together will not be a detriment to her live. The only crazy scenario in which we are together is if we continue to talk to each other every day as we've been doing since my vacations ended, that her relationship with her boyfriend ends in amicable terms on their own, she stays single until I obtain my US Citizenship, she visits me that summer I confess to her, she accepts me, we get married and I help her continuing her studies on an American University that's close to wherever I end up living. That day she send me a message that she was really sad that we didn't properly say goodbye but after sleeping so late she didn't want to wake me up and told I'm a special cousin to her,that I'm a great friend and that she doesn't want to lost the connection we regained.

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