I want her back

I'm 21 years old and the reason why I'm here today is she.
I had a bestfriend. Since we were in class 4 we were friends.
Now we're in same college. She know me better than anyone else. I thought I knew her but after that incident I just came to know that I was wrong.
9/8/2018, we were studying at her house.
No not we. Just she and I was drinking cuz I was done with my subjects. She know that I'm a heavy drunkrd so she doesn't care for it cuz she know that I won't listen to her advice. Idk what happend that day I can't remeber fully but when I woke up, I was lying on her and I was half covered by a blanket and she was crying standing near the window. She was wounded. He whole upper body had some streches of a claw and her hair and eyes were too rough.
I was fully confused. I was thinking what the heck is going on? I asked her what happend but she didn't replied. I asked her continously but she was still crying and no reply.
When I tried to stand up than I invented that my shirt was lying on the floor and I was half nude.
I was just wearing my pant or nothing else I had on my body.
I was shocked. I tried to touch her shoulder to ask her one more time what is the case but she ferociously shouted on me. She told not to touch her with a raged expression and when I asked her the reason she told me that I raped her in my drunken state. She told her that I brought her in the bedroom forcibly and raped her.
Damn I was nearly gonna faint.
I was full blank after hearing her and I couldn't believe that I did it to her.
She was telling that she will go to the police but she didn't.
She told me not to show my face anymore and to leave her house .
I didn't utter any single more word and I left her.
After that day we have not any contact.
She doesn't recieve my calls even she's not coming to college after that day.
Everybody asks me about her what happend to her why is she not coming but I can't answer them.
Today 23/08/2018, we still don't have any contact between us.
Lastly, if I did that crime that day.
I wanna die by her own hands.
I won't say sorry cuz I know it won't be enough to heal her wound rather it would be a vague thing.
I want her back I want her back.

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