Any living family members I have left hate me
I confess that I've always thought I was pretty smart about people and the ways of the world, and yet I've done nothing but mess up, over and over, in similar ways with my family. The family members I know that are still alive that I ever cared for all hate me now and want nothing to do with me. There are some semi-distant family members left that are around but not ones I want anything to do with because we were hardly in each other's lives and I have no interest in them.
The thing I always do wrong is that, despite evidence to the contrary, I continue to act upon some ingrained, idiotic, idealistic idea that I can be honest with my family members and speak my mind. Then I learned that certainly wasn't true because when I criticized some others, they punished me for it and cut me out of their lives. I've tried to tiptoe about what I say since then but it just isn't me it seems. Eventually, I get angry about something and blurt out some kind of crap and make someone mad at me. Inevitably family members annoy me or I think they're full of s*** or trying to manipulate me and I stand up for myself or get angry and reem people out. And there goes another family member.
This past year I truly angered the one family member left with whom I had a longstanding close relationship. She will not respond to any contact from me. When these things do happen, I do try to say I'm sorry and toexplain myself for the things I say which always start these kind of things. You'd think that apologies and being at least willing to acknowledge where I went wrong would count for something. I can tell you that in my family, it's been worthless and nobody every apologizes to me for anything that THEY do.
My attempts to make amends are, admittedly, probably feeble and are rejected, inevitably. Now it's just me left alone with my husband and it scares me. I don't like my only support social network to be just one person. I feel very alone in the world.
Yet, at the same time I've completely had it with trying to fix things with anybody. I don't want to apologize for anything I say or do or think anymore. I'm not willing to pursue this last family member in an attempt to gain her forgiveness. I realized I am very content being alone. I'm not truly interested in others' day to day minutia or to be there for them with every problem or meltdown. Although this last rejection from that long-standing family member hurts, what bothers me the most is the rejection but not actually that she's out of my life. Things had eroded between us over recent months and I was sick of her anyways. I didn't believe anything she told me anymore and I was also over her trying to dominate or manipulate me.
The erosion of my family over the years has made me into a person who at this point doesn't even want any social network. I have interests where I could make friends with people and I don't even want to do it. I don't want the aggravation, frankly. It might help me to heal or feel better about myself if I started up with new people. Maybe. As they say, there's a billion people around on the planet, don't worry if you can't get along with a few. But I don't want people to inevitably find something wrong with me or think I'm a lousy friend in some kind of way. I'm sick of being judged as lacking. I'm sick of the tug of war power struggles with people. I prefer to be left the h*** alone. It's just easier.
P.S. F*ck you, Kelly