Accept Being Single and Alone?

I was with my ex for 10 years. I’m in my late 30’s. We didn’t make it to marriage. There were problems on both end. Not entirely his fault, not entirely mine. We stayed together out of convenience, and neither wanted to start over after being comfortable with each other and our home. I’m not one to give up easily, and don’t like seeing disposable relationships, or people who just use divorce as an easy way out. We genuinely tried, longer than we should have and wasted time. Eventually we stopped trying, fell out of love, and became roommate like towards each other. We did try to work on our issues, but it felt draining and we both just were unhappy. We decided it was best to part ways rather than stay together for the sake of not being alone.

For the past year, I’ve tried to improve myself. Took up working out, tried new classes, joined a charity with kids, got a dog, go running, etc. I’ve tried dating for a year, and haven’t had luck. I’ve had a guy tell me he couldn’t get over “my age”, and the fact I had never been married or had kids. I’ve tried going to bars, gym, online, etc. I’m genuinely developing anxiety over turning 40 and being in this situation. My ex has attempted to reconcile a few times, and I’ve been tempted - but know that it’s because I’m alone. I don’t have it in my heart to do that and don’t think it’s right — but, I’m losing faith, getting very down, and feel hopeless. I don’t feel like anyone wants someone my age if they don’t yet have children. Part of me feels like just accept being single and having a good life and being alone is ok, and the other part of me keeps leaning towards trying to make something work so that we both aren’t on our own. I just really want kids, and didn’t want to bring them into the world in the previous environment. Tired of being lonely, though.

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  • Hopefully my story will give you hope. At 50 my wife tells me we are done and moves out. 20 years marriage and 3 kids. I'm dreaming of growing old with her. Travelling and so on. So I never saw this coming although in hindsight I realise how cold the marriage was.

    Then I met this lady. 45. So don't think you are too old. Wow what a wonderful turn of events. I wish we'd met years ago. It's so nice to be with someone who wants to be with me. We have to juggle her kids and mine but we meet up all the time. Coffee. S**. Tease. Flirty texts. So nice.

  • Thank you for this message. I’ve really been struggling lately, and this gives me hope to keep getting out there and trying to meet someone.

  • Continuing, my observation is that your girlfriends will tell you that whatever guy you show interest in is no good. The guys on the otherhand seem to be much more into being non judgemental.

    I found my male friends were inviting me to functions and telling me there would be single women there. Whereas the girl I have connected with, she told me whenever she went out with a guy, her girlfriends would list off the reasons the guy says not for her.

    So tell all the guys you know you would like up meet a guy.

  • Please don't allow yourself to spiral into sorrow. All of your goals can still be achieved, whether marriage or parenthood or otherwise. It may not come easily, good things rarely do, but don't assume that it can't. Accomplishing those goals will require effort, and putting yourself out there, but there are people out there who want what you want: you are one of them, so there's reason to believe the others exist. Do volunteer work, go to fairs/festivals, attend church, participate in cultural events (art openings, book readings, small concerts, etc.), and make friends, both female and male: the more people you meet, the wider your range of possibilities. Be optimistic. People will respond to that. Best wishes.

  • Do not be to h****** yourself. Let nature take its course and it is possible you are looking for love in the wrong places. Expand your horizon and you will be surprised.

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