Dear Parents

Dear Parents,
I have no ambition and I hate school. I was withdrawn from my English class because I never went because I hated the teacher. I only went to college to make you happy. I just want to be happy, married, kids. I don’t feel like a college education is good for me. I just want to be able to support myself with a job, and have my own apartment. I never want to go to class, because I don’t like it. But I go just because I don’t want to disappoint you. I love you guys, and I hate myself. I was emotionally ready and mature enough for college, but I don’t want to continue my education. I don’t want to come back home, because I know I would just disappoint you and Pam. I kind of wanted to join the Peace Corps. But now, I realize that I just made such noble goals to make you proud of me. I don’t know what to do. I don’t want to disappoint you any further, but I just can’t be happy with the way my life is going right now. Don’t worry about me. I’m emotionally stable, but I’m just so disappointed in myself I needed to vent. I probably won’t ever send this to you, but if I do, then it will be entirely unedited and just flowing with the way my mind is going. I just can’t. I can’t say how much I love you. I want to be myself. I want to have my own life and my own happiness and just be independent. I’m not rebelling. I’m just ready to break away from the confines of “the ideal life” of college, career, and retirement. I want to get married to a man who can support me. I want to have a side-job as well as raise my kids. I want two beautiful sons. Benjamin Olin and Lucas Byron. I want to be one of those people we look down on because they didn’t go to college, and they got married young and they had an amazing, beautiful life with family and love and happiness. I’m not driven like other people I know. I look at my amazing friends from home, and I see how driven they are. Even in high school, I could see that they had plans for their future. After my Peace Corps plans, I had nothing. If anyone asked me what I would want to do after the Peace Corps…I wouldn’t have known. I had no plans. I have no plans. I just have wants. I just want to live the life that would make me happy. The life of hard work, and being just barely middle class. How many people can you look at and believe that they want to be a working class family? I want to be a working class family. I want to have a man that works for a living. I want to work for a living. I want to be exhausted when I get home to my sons, or when I pick them up after school in a crappy little car, and I want to live in a dingy little house with my loving family. I don’t want to be in school anymore. I know now that college is not for me. College is not where I’m supposed to be. I might stick out another semester unless I fail out this year and end up having to go to Perimeter or Georgia State or some other ** city college. But, Corey. I don’t want to be away from him. I want to be with him. He’s perfect for me. He works hard. He is almost completely independent from his parents. I want that to be me. I want to be independent and working for myself and having a job and an apartment. I know this is a depressing little thing to read, and I’ve been crying a little bit the whole time I typed this out. But, I just wanted you to know that this is my reality. These are my thoughts. This is how I feel late at night when I want nothing more than to be happy with myself and with my life. I love you. I love you so much. I just can’t do anything right… I can’t be the perfect daughter I know you wanted. I’m just one big disappointment. I bet you guys are reading this and sobbing and crying and saying “oh, god! Why couldn’t we have a daughter who wants to make something of herself? Why did we have to get this awful daughter who wants nothing from her life and is completely content with mediocrity. This daughter who is completely content with the 1950s housewife image…” And, my answer is…I don’t know. I don’t know why you didn’t get a good daughter who had high hopes…a good daughter who wants to make something of herself…a daughter who wants to be an influential businesswoman or even has dreams that she wants to follow. I don’t know. I wish I did. I wish every day that you had gotten a better daughter. I wish that you had gotten the businesswoman daughter. I just hate to know that I have disappointed you so badly with my life choices or my decisions in life. I know I’ve said it a million billion times already, but I love you so much. I love you with all of my heart. I don’t want to send this letter… It would just make you so sad… And, I don’t want to see you sad. I just needed to get all of these words off of my chest.

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