For those who know me, you would understand the last few months of my life have been the hardest I have ever faced.
In October I lost my Aunty, returning to work my first day back I learnt of one of my fighters committing suicide, heartbreakingly I had tried to contact him earlier that day to check in given my absence in the gym. Breaking the news to the rest of the fighters & Coaches was one of the hardest things I have ever had to do.
On what was meant to be his boxing debut, on the gyms charity fight night, I had been busy (as I always am) getting the night organised, making sure everything ran as smoothly as possible.
The one person I was truly looking forward to seeing was Cassandra, one of my closest friends. She had been there for me in the weeks leading up, calling me to make sure I was okay, offering to come cook me food, just being Cas, full of love.
Before I knew it the night was about to begin and Cas wasn’t there ... which for those that know her, is not like her, so I messaged her, the night kicked of and a few hours passed and still no Cas, I checked my phone, my message had been read but no reply.
The night finished, we packed up, celebrated the life of our fighter as a fight family & I went home. Upset and angry thinking Cas had forgotten about me
2 days later, I’m debating whether to send her a message or not, telling her how she’s upset me when I get a phone call from a friend, asking what happened to Cas, saying she saw someone post on FB she had died.
My whole world crumbled, I remember falling to the floor and just crying, Cas never showed to the fight night because she died that day.
The mystery of Cassandra’s passing was made worse with people constantly messaging me asking how it happened, telling me what they had heard, due to this I was having nightmares of these horror stories people had circulating, I struggled to come to terms with her death, angry that one of my last thoughts about her was that I was annoyed.
On the day I viewed her body in her casket will forever be burnt into my memories, to physically see her, I still don’t have words for the emotions I felt. To kiss her forehead goodbye and to feel the cold under my lips it took what was left of my broken heart and shattered it into a million pieces. This was my first time seeing an open casket and it was me best friend.
At her funeral, to hear my name mentioned and photos of us together, I can think back to the exact moment those photos were taken, never in that moment did I ever think I would be seeing them in the situation I was, everything was still so surreal.
It’s coming up to 6 months since her death and I still cry when someone mentions her name, I am getting there though. For the first few months seeing someone who resembled her in the slightest way would send me into this panic, I couldn’t breath & for a second I would feel the absolute strength of the heart ache I was trying to suppress.
That heart ache is still very much present, I’m learning to slowly live with it, I still cry most days, now I just do it behind closed doors or into my pillow so no one can hear, because when your hurting you don’t want to hurt those around you. I heal by healing those around me.
If anyone was to ask me if I was okay, I would tell them I’m fine, but under the surface I am completely and totally soul shattering broken.
But I know I’ll get there eventually