I don’t want to live anymore

I really don’t want to be alive anymore sometimes. Like I’m not even a sad person or something it’s just that I just have a hard time staying alive when it would be so easy to let go
I’m perfectly healthy and have no intention of killing myself but if a truck was coming at me and I was in the middle of the road I have to consider my options for a second before stepping out of the way.
I don’t want to kill myself I just want to die.
It’s s***** and it’s weird and I don’t tell many people but that’s kind of how I feel.
I remember I told this girl once. We were in a group setting and I didn’t know her very well but now she is dating one of my closest friends and I’m really worried she’ll tell him. But I don’t even know if she remembers. I really just am not having a good time recently and I feel like no one I know understands and I’m just really really tired no matter how much I sleep or lie around or whatever. I just feel like there’s not much point