Used and tossed aside.
She played me like a f****** fiddle. Told me exactly what she does to others and I somehow convinced myself she wouldn't do it to me. She f***** me about for months, led me on, used me for attention. I even let her in my f****** house. In MY room. And now she plays in my head, on repeat, every hour of every day like a broken record. I tell myself to just get over it and stop being a silly c*** but that doesn't seem to do much... Since I forced myself to remove her from my life, I've told myself and my closest and dearest that I'm over her, that I'm done with it all, that I'm okay now. And that lasts, for a few days, maybe even a week. But then she comes crawling right back into my head. Creeping around in my thoughts, 90% of the things in my room remind me of her, even s*** on the internet sends me into a spiral thinking about her. She is relentless. I feel like my mind is torturing me for going along with it all, even after all of my friends told me she was bad news. I trust those 3 with my life and I didn't listen to them because I thought she was fit and funny and kind and caring and she had a great personality (and quite a nice bank account to be perfectly honest). She literally told me that she sometimes uses lads for attention and then when she's bored of them she just pretends like they don't exist. I don't know how I could've been so f****** stupid. To let her control me like that. And now, as punishment for letting her play me like she's the pied f****** piper, she rests in my mind, like a constant shadow hanging over my shoulder. I know it sounds dramatic and completely f****** absurd but I don't know if I can recover, it feels like any potential relationship I could ever possibly have now has a significantly lower chance of succeeding because it's just another load of baggage for someone to deal with. Another burden for them to carry, which makes me feel even worse because I feel awful telling my friends my problems, I feel like I'm just burdening them with s*** and that they don't actually care. She literally has my whole head in the palm of her hands. Sometimes I even find myself constructing apology messages in the notepad on my phone before I stop myself from becoming even more of a tool. I'm constantly paranoid now that people are just using me for personal gain. Whatever that may be. Attention, money, information, favours. I struggle to see the good in people now, I'm a complete cynic, and I hate it. It makes me everything every single f****** scenario, what if this happens, what if that happens. It's turning me into a control freak. I want to make sure everything in my life is set in stone so that I don't have to worry or be paranoid anymore. But it feels so impossible, so unachievable. Hopeless. She has completely and utterly, f***** me in the head.