I've given up

I've had no success in my love life whatsoever. I met my first crush literally on the bus to my second day of kindergarten, but as I was quickly teased, bullied, and ostracized by everyone (including my crush) which lasted from then until I finally had to be taken out of school and home schooled beginning in 8th grade (this was back when very few parents or educators took school bullying seriously). As a result, I was diagnosed with severe depression, never developed any social skills, and am still to this day unable to cultivate or maintain any kind of relationship, romantic or otherwise, at least in person, and every crush and attempt to approach women I find attractive has ended in rejection. I tried all the tips that people put up on blogs and in advice columns, but none of it has ever worked. I've never been on a date, kissed, had s**, or even held hands.

But then a light suddenly showed at the end of the tunnel when I met this great woman online and we bonded over mutual interests, some mundane and some ... a little weird for most women. I joked that we should go out given our interests fully expecting to be rejected, but to my surprise she was receptive! I finally felt like my course was changing for the better. She said at the time that she had a lot of things going on, but was going to make a trip to visit me soon. Well, "soon" translated into a pretty ridiculously long time, but I had come to feel so strongly about her that I believed I truly fell in love and as a result I was patient and waited. Finally, one day we were texting back and forth as we did almost every day and she told me she was coming to see me that weekend. It was the absolute happiest day of my life up to that point. I literally broke down in tears of joy and texted back that she had no idea how happy she had just made me.

That was two and a half years ago and I haven't heard a word from her since. I don't know why she never showed up or even contacted me back. I don't know if she's alive or dead. I've tried every avenue I can think of to get into contact with her, all to no avail. Phone calls, texts, and emails all go unanswered. The loss of my first real ray of hope has driven me much deeper into depression and I can't find any way out. I go to bed every night hoping I won't wake up. I would have killed myself already if I had a method that didn't run a high chance of only permanently maiming me instead. Therapy doesn't help, medication doesn't help. I don't want to be alone all my life, so what's the point in living when deep down I know I'm going to be? My soul is already dead. I wish my body would take the hint.

12 Comments

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  • Keep your hopes up, and maybe try a dating site. You write well and seem smart, and that is an attractive quality.

  • Get yourself a gun, blow your brains out, but before You do, kill all your tormentors, so that you will not be lonely in Death.

  • You probably creeped her out when you said that.

    As for these people commenting, they're clearly in a bad place right now. There are good people out there.

  • Hay man I feel so sorry for you. Sounds like someone got off f****** with your emotions.

    This web site is full of f***** up people like me and most of the posts here are just cruel but you will see some people care for you. Take what little solace you can knowing that actually you are not alone and lots of us hurt for love.

    I had a gf for about a year. Best year of my life. Then over about two weeks she distances and then send me a message on messenger saying it's over, don't bother replying because she wont be answering. Then she blocks me. It's called ghosting. Ripped my guts out.

  • Let her go out of your mind. 90% of women in the world are just gold diggers. Go spritual, meditate...! No one will be bothered if you commit suicide. Be a part of some thing much more meaning full. I am single past 18 years when my gf left me for a rich guy. I was devastated like you but you have to carry on n fight. God doesn’t want that you should waste your life running after materialistic comfort thats why he has shown you these days.

  • Just because your gf was a gold digger does not mean "90% of women" are. That was only 90% of the total number of women YOU'VE ever known.
    Poor bitter thing.

  • Die then no one give a s*** keep encircling around your delusions and expect she would come on your funeral you are literely a loser you don’t deserve advice or them just die man no one needs you

  • ^ LOL!!

  • But Blaine likes to sit on top of people's stomachs at school recess

  • But cody will like to fuc k blaine’s mom first of all

  • Who is cody

  • Soren's friend. DUHHHHH

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