I've given up
I've had no success in my love life whatsoever. I met my first crush literally on the bus to my second day of kindergarten, but as I was quickly teased, bullied, and ostracized by everyone (including my crush) which lasted from then until I finally had to be taken out of school and home schooled beginning in 8th grade (this was back when very few parents or educators took school bullying seriously). As a result, I was diagnosed with severe depression, never developed any social skills, and am still to this day unable to cultivate or maintain any kind of relationship, romantic or otherwise, at least in person, and every crush and attempt to approach women I find attractive has ended in rejection. I tried all the tips that people put up on blogs and in advice columns, but none of it has ever worked. I've never been on a date, kissed, had s**, or even held hands.
But then a light suddenly showed at the end of the tunnel when I met this great woman online and we bonded over mutual interests, some mundane and some ... a little weird for most women. I joked that we should go out given our interests fully expecting to be rejected, but to my surprise she was receptive! I finally felt like my course was changing for the better. She said at the time that she had a lot of things going on, but was going to make a trip to visit me soon. Well, "soon" translated into a pretty ridiculously long time, but I had come to feel so strongly about her that I believed I truly fell in love and as a result I was patient and waited. Finally, one day we were texting back and forth as we did almost every day and she told me she was coming to see me that weekend. It was the absolute happiest day of my life up to that point. I literally broke down in tears of joy and texted back that she had no idea how happy she had just made me.
That was two and a half years ago and I haven't heard a word from her since. I don't know why she never showed up or even contacted me back. I don't know if she's alive or dead. I've tried every avenue I can think of to get into contact with her, all to no avail. Phone calls, texts, and emails all go unanswered. The loss of my first real ray of hope has driven me much deeper into depression and I can't find any way out. I go to bed every night hoping I won't wake up. I would have killed myself already if I had a method that didn't run a high chance of only permanently maiming me instead. Therapy doesn't help, medication doesn't help. I don't want to be alone all my life, so what's the point in living when deep down I know I'm going to be? My soul is already dead. I wish my body would take the hint.