A Promise I Made Myself

A few years back, I made a promise to myself that, if I hadn’t found somebody by the time I turn 50, I would end my life.
As I near 40, the reality that I’ll follow through on it is beginning to hit me. I’m losing confidence in the possibility of a happy ending. It hurts like h***, because all my life I’ve done everything I could to be a good person, and I’ve put everything into my relationships. Yet, it was always one sided. Kinda hard to feel like you actually mean anything to someone when you don’t.
I really don’t want to do it, but I had a dream where I was old, and woke up in the middle of the night, next to a woman I have no idea who she is, but she was my wife. I went downstairs for something, and next thing I know, I’m crying my eyes out with my head in my hands shouting “why couldn’t I have found you sooner?” And she was watching me fall apart from the stairs.
I don’t wanna have to wait til it’s too late, but I’m so damn discouraged.

Jul 23, 2020

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