who a am and why and how I am now

When I was young I was shy and a natural introvert. I had a lisp too. I had a great friend in 4th and 5th grade. He left at the end of 5th grade. I never had a best friend for the rest of grade school and high school. Life was h*** in high school the teasing the beatings the absolute pain of loneliness. There are few words to describe how hard it is to stay who you are and the great need to feel like you belong. My mother was the school social worker. All the drugies knew my mom and any one else with a problem. I was suffering from a major depression and I hated them all. This was when grunge was big. I wanted to go to school and kill as many of the people who made my life a living h***. Jeremy wanted to speak in class one more time. I was 5 seconds away from pulling the gun out in class and going for it. I stopped. I saw this girl, new at the beginning of the year. Never said hi. but never teased me never picked on me. She was trying to survive just like me. I stopped right there. I couldn't put her through that horror. I am thankful every day that I stopped. The year went on, the depression got worse. I was so deep that one girl, who could see how much pain I was in, tried to talk to me. To say hi to be a friend. I didn't know how to talk let alone talk to this beautiful woman inside and out. I have no idea where this woman is or how she is doing. I hope she is well. I hope she is happy. If I ever saw her I don't think I could stop my self from giving her a hug. She was the step of hope that was the long path in becoming the proud man I am today. I was mad at my dad for his drinking. I Had no social skills let alone the ability to talk to a woman. I still feel a slight panic attack when I talk to a woman I'm attracted too.I got surgery to fix my lisp 10 hours surgery 3 days intensive care. 1 week more in hospital 3 months with my mouth wired shut. Worth every moment. Flunked out of college twice. Had a good job lost it. Joined the Navy. Best decision I ever made. Gave me confidence and motivation. I have been in combat and traveled the world more than most do in a life time. I just got my A.S. in Electrical engineering. 5 more classes till my B.S. It took me ten years and my dad getting cancer for me not to be mad at him any more. He died when I was at sea. On my 5 year anniversary of being in the navy we had the funeral for my dad. I was mad at him for too long. I guess I needed to see the rest of the world to figure out how great a man he truly was. He stopped drinking at the end of my Junior year. I Skipped Senior year... got out of that h*** hole. My dad was the smartest man I have ever known. I miss his counsel. His humor, I just miss my dad. It makes me sad that the children I want to have will never know him.
I'm still not the best when it comes to talking to women. 6 years deployed with all guys will do that. Im doing better. I just wanted to thank all the jerks and the kind people and my dad for making me the man I am today. Life is a lot harder if you are true to who you are. Make the right decisions not the easy ones. You will be better for it. Why not try the right way we should all be so lucky to get out of life alive.

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  • glad you pulled yourself out of that. not just for your sake but for others. good luck

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