Conflicted.

I am in my mid 20's. I used to be a s** worker - a "courtesan" or in simple and honest terms - a h*****. My mother is dying of terminal brain cancer. I experienced two big loves in my life. I got over them, but they will always have a part of me. My next will be my last. I feel like I have come back to my Christian/Catholic raising for my mother. And I quit being an escort. I made a thousand dollars a day. I wasn't always treated badly - usually people would love me and bring me lots of gifts.
I am tempted to go back. But I know it is wrong... that it is damaging. Even though if I didn't have a family who didn't think it was so horrible, or if they never found out, I would probably still be in it.
But in part, I do feel it would be wrong of me to go back because I'm TRYING. I am REALLY trying to come back to "God", whatever and whoever the f*** the "Truth" is. I'm so f****** sick of it all.
I preferred it when I didn't feel so lonely and empty. At least I was making money. At least I didn't have to work minimum wage.
I'm trying. I am really trying.
I am back in college and I just need to pass these 3 years. I am doing well so far. I was always bright. Just not patient and I have social anxiety/depression.
I'm trying. I want to live. To really live a normal life and to make my family proud. But sometimes, I feel like I'm living a lie. Or that I'm just stifled and oppressed. I just want... to be loved and to love someone in return. But I won't settle.
I've had my heart broken, I've tried and I am too perceptive to do the wrong thing or to just date someone because I am lonely.
I've been asked out by many people, but they are either not my type or there is no future with them. So the answer is no.
Please, whoever reads this... please pray for me. I just want to make it out of here alive.

4 Comments

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  • F*** that God s***. Just do what’s right and take care of the people who are alive now. Don’t sacrifice you real life for an imaginary afterlife.

  • You will always meet people who are ready to tell you what god wants from you. But those people dont always have the answers. God put a voice inside all of us that guides us to the things we need. We are all unique people and the answers arent the same for everyone. Learn to listen to that voice and accept yourself for who you are rather than pushIng yourself to be who others think you should, and you will find the peace you seek.

  • Amen

  • 50 yo married man. Christian. Obviously not reading these for the purest of reasons. I pray for reconciliation for you. Forgive yourself. Seek wisdom. It's not easy but you will be sustained. You ARE loved.

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