Most of my life, I have struggled with intimacy. Not s**, but the closeness with another person. I was doing some research recently, and came across an interesting point.
A psychologist stated that many people who struggle with intimacy as adults were often shamed in one way or another on the topic as youth.
When I was a teen, I had an ecclesiastical leader ask me directly if I masturbated. When I answered that I did, the process of shaming began. (This is not speaking for or against religion. It's to point out the influence a person of authority can have on the mindset of adolescents)
I was told how bad it was, and that if I had any self respect that I wouldn't do such a thing. Which added a sense of self loathing, which only added to my using of masturbation to numb the feelings that were being sown in my mind.
The shaming continued for all of my teen years. With how awful I was made to feel about it, it made complete sense as to why most other people chose to lie when asked about it. I mean, what kid needs the baggage of being told that they are less of a person because they begin to explore their sexuality?

Since becoming an adult, I have always struggled with intimacy. I realized that I've always confused a normal healthy set of functions with guilt and shame. There have been many times where I have to focus on not feeling that way during s**. Then having the arduous task of then trying to explain to your partner that it has nothing to do with them.
Just emphasizing that shaming in the area of s** all but robbed me of many years of what could have been healthy intimacy. I am now taking that power back, but it's hard not to be angry over the psychological chains that were placed on me as a boy.
Such is life I guess

Oct 24, 2020

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